Monday, July 02, 2007

empty or full?

as usual this summer i am bound by the stress of finding a new job(s). this is starting to feel like a pattern, last summer i was with out one for a month and a half. so this stress coupled with decisions about internships across the country, feeling worthless as an artist and my own low grade neurosis have been feeding the feeling of internal craziness.

yesterday while sitting in church i couldn't figure out if i felt nothing or everything. and if it is nothing then even being in relationship with God feels empty at times. as i was creating long esoteric thought progressions during both communion and the confession of sin i found that i kept getting caught by the idea that God is suppose to fill that emptiness that everything else has made you aware of...but i don't know if i am doing it (faith) wrong or what but my whole life of being a christian that has not held true. i so rarely feel that God is enough...i want so much and it feels impossible and overwhelming yet i can't cut off the desire. the other things are all places where i believe that i will see God in a deeper reality. so not only do i feel cut off from God in the way i experience individual faith but also in the unmet desires of my heart. it is like i am being told no on every level. and it really sucks!

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