Friday, August 31, 2007

the overwhelming questions

i feel the chaos of so many things running through my head today...the best part is that i am stuck in class all day. there are things at home that hit mass chaos yesterday morning, relationship things that have been building for the last week, and questions of what my place is in the midst of artistic passion and church?

and i find my self in the calm eye of the storm...i think something has changed in my heart. i no longer feel the chaos in such a drowning sort of way. in my usual pattern of life when faced with all of this, i would feel like i was in the midst of churning seas trying desperately to hold my head above water while also fighting against the mounting fear. now days i just feel a bit off kilter like walking in a hard wind where you can still move it just takes more effort.

Saturday, August 25, 2007

i don't understand...

have been thinking a lot about sex and relationships. why are we so obsessed? last night two friend were talking about how seattle unlike other places isn't obsessed with getting married...just getting laid.

which gets me to thinking, neither sex nor marriage just for themselves is worth the cost. in either side of the extreme the marriage or the sex becomes an end result instead of a way of connecting to another person. in either form it becomes using another body/spirit/what have you to get off. when both are good (at least from what i know having not experienced either but having read many books and had many conversations) it is less about you and the end result and more about the other person you are involved and bound to. as i think about this and think about the relational desires and physical needs we have and how they play out i feel very lost.

i don't know what to think or how even to begin to look at all of this. as i sit on the sidelines of both sex and relationships, becoming a "wise on looker" i wonder if all i have to say is bullshit? it is like honestly what really can a monk speak to about sexual elements of relationship? i feel akin to the man who can't understand what it is to feel oppressed as a woman in the church, the different being that maybe someday my perspective will change.

And all the beautiful things that make you weep


my talented friend's voice rolls over me like the ocean of peace. with each tone and echo of his song my heart is melted into it's self. i am struck with the beauty of the people i love and their gifts of little graces to me.

last night i was so blessed by so many of those wonderful people coming over and celebrating my birthday. this is the first year that i can remember feeling at peace and delighted on my birthday. no anger, no sorrow, no regret, just at peace and happy. this is what i hope to cultivate this year a steadiness of faith. it feels like the end of a old country song where you have traveled through shit and finally get to the hopeful plunky strums of an acoustic guitar that spells out hope.

i think 28 is going to be a good year.

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

the wonder of memory


listening to a song i heard first in college, i am astounded by all the memories it brings up. once again i am nineteen and just getting to know someone who i will fall desperately in love with. this song connected him with a girlfriend in high school and their very dysfunctional relationship. at this point i am totally one over by this beautiful connection we have through shared music.

now nine years later i can say that as much as that relationship really did a lot of harm, i realized the beauty and connection one can have through music. it is a profound and wonderful way to connect with another. thanks to him, i have learned to love the gift of music that i am offered by other.

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

turning older


next week i will turn 28 years old. i think that this age more than any other scares me. tonight two of my wonderful girlfriends showered this up coming year and me with blessings. anna told me that she and her friends from home, who she was visiting with last week, decided that 28 is the best year ever.

over the last few weeks i have been trying to figure out what it is about getting older that freaks me out so much? why is it that with each year i feel less stable, more foolish and the collective failure of my life so far. i think part of it is being an actress and being told for years that after your twenties as a woman you will not get cast. but i don't usually get cast now...so why should that scare me any more than it already does. maybe it is the fact that i have never had a "real job" but then i am not really a real job type person. i am not the nine to five, sixty hour a week job girl. also there is the single no attachment element to my life which shouldn't be a bad thing since i really want to get a second masters with in the next four years. but all of these things and all of the social should (perceived or real) weight down on me and make each birthday a gaping hole of what i don't have instead of what i do.

why do we always focus on the seeming waste or failures instead of the successes we have?

over the next week i am going to practice living in bold colors bright lemon yellows, grapefruit pinks, and swelling rain cloud periwinkles. libby asked me what color this year is going to be. i think my practice will be to live bright and boldly to start to live into what i have been given more adventurously instead of fearfully.

Thursday, August 02, 2007

i cheated...


so tonight one quarter of the way into the last harry potter book, i cheated (as i usually do with books that i love but become pretty emotionally invested in). this entailed me reading the last page so that my heart would be at ease and therefore able to get through the rest of the book. i know i am pathetic and pathological.

yet as i was standing on my front porch smoking half a cigarette i started to think about why i have developed this pathology, it is something i do with about half the books i read. in this introspective process, i realized that in part it is the same element of my soul that long and needs to read revelation. we are created beings with an intrinsic need to be assured that the present place in the story (our story, history, the world) is not the last word. we cling desperately to the belief that there is still hope and redemption possible in spite of how things look at this very moment. i need to be reminded that God is real that Christ has risen and will come again.

so often i forget that this is why at the end of the day i need the feeble faith i have. thread bear and worn as it is by the horror of life and the yet unfulfilled desires. i still need to believe that God is good, that God works for good and that i am even on my worst days a dearly loved child of God. and this i think is why i cheat when reading...the need to be reminded as i am each sunday when i take the eucharist that good triumphs over evil.