Wednesday, August 15, 2007

turning older


next week i will turn 28 years old. i think that this age more than any other scares me. tonight two of my wonderful girlfriends showered this up coming year and me with blessings. anna told me that she and her friends from home, who she was visiting with last week, decided that 28 is the best year ever.

over the last few weeks i have been trying to figure out what it is about getting older that freaks me out so much? why is it that with each year i feel less stable, more foolish and the collective failure of my life so far. i think part of it is being an actress and being told for years that after your twenties as a woman you will not get cast. but i don't usually get cast now...so why should that scare me any more than it already does. maybe it is the fact that i have never had a "real job" but then i am not really a real job type person. i am not the nine to five, sixty hour a week job girl. also there is the single no attachment element to my life which shouldn't be a bad thing since i really want to get a second masters with in the next four years. but all of these things and all of the social should (perceived or real) weight down on me and make each birthday a gaping hole of what i don't have instead of what i do.

why do we always focus on the seeming waste or failures instead of the successes we have?

over the next week i am going to practice living in bold colors bright lemon yellows, grapefruit pinks, and swelling rain cloud periwinkles. libby asked me what color this year is going to be. i think my practice will be to live bright and boldly to start to live into what i have been given more adventurously instead of fearfully.

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