Tuesday, September 11, 2007

you are ever present

today in class we said the lord's prayer, this sunday we also prayed this prayer as we frequently do. what has been striking me about this, is that i have been reminded of the time in my life where this prayer was most frequently recited and the community surrounding me.

for all four years of high school, during the weeks we were in performance every night after we were costumed and make-uped there was a time of gathering. during this time we would sing silly songs, do various sundry warm ups, and what ever else our chosen leaders decided. but what always was present was closing with "the lord's prayer". what strikes me now well over ten years later is that this groups of mostly atheists or nontraditional spiritual teenagers found connection in this specific piece of liturgy. i know that we would have fought tooth and nail if someone had tried to silence us from saying this prayer together, in spite of a general consensus of disbelief in what it propagates. now the people and communities where i say this prayer are all make up of believers who hold to the theological implications of this prayer.

yet i find that the place where i learned to love this prayer was high school, and as i speak these words now at 28 i feel the presence of those friends and fellow artists. as i sit in class and church i am reminded of faces, jenny, jerid, alex, nick, nicole, kasey, hilary, michael, and many of other. and feel their presence because they are imago dei, they are well loved children of God. i need to remember that fact and pray hope and blessing for them.

Saturday, September 08, 2007

freedom


the last week and a half has been really weird. there has been a lot of chaos in the midst of our home and my life. yet i have also been blessed to have to chance to be strong in my self and the affirmation of my voice.

i have gone through two major experiences this week which in the past would have crushed my heart and created huge wellsprings of self hatred and contempt. but in stead of my traditional path i have chosen differently.

while in conversation with a really good friend, and possible new roommate :), i said in response to her question of "are you ok, if it was me i know i would feel completely deflated. " i said, "i think at this point it takes to much of my energy to hate my self for this. i spent seven years hating my self and it is just not worth it. it is not my fault that someone can't see me."

in the midst of saying theses words i realized that it is true i can't spend the time and energy it takes to hate my self for other people's blindness and inhability to see. i have been reminded several times this week by my beautifully pregnant roommate that i know a God who woos. that the beauty and playfulness of that wooing is the litmus test for all other human relationships, most specifically when it comes to dating.

i as a strong guileless feminist woman are called to honor my self by waiting for perusal. when i don't i become fucking crazy, that's a clinical term. this craziness comes encapsulated in insecurities, doubts, jealous obsessions, and self dispisal. i forget that i am a well loved beautiful blessed child of the living God and think of my self as the neutered ugly non entity red headed stepchild. i get bound in the need to be as perfect as i can so that maybe i will not get rejected this time maybe just maybe i will be enough in stead of not enough. all of that trying to be perfect stops me from being my beautiful broken self, which ironically in being is what radiates the compelling beauty i posses and was created for.

after over fifteen years of this cycle i finally realize that rejection has nothing to do with whether or not i am enough and so much to do with someone else's lack of vision. i spent seven years being destroyed by a man who could never really see me inspite of the depth of which he knew me.

to this end i delight in the words of the gospel and rilo kiley "it is for freedom christ set us free, stand firm don't be burdened by the yoke of slavery." and "ooh it feels good to be free"