Saturday, September 08, 2007

freedom


the last week and a half has been really weird. there has been a lot of chaos in the midst of our home and my life. yet i have also been blessed to have to chance to be strong in my self and the affirmation of my voice.

i have gone through two major experiences this week which in the past would have crushed my heart and created huge wellsprings of self hatred and contempt. but in stead of my traditional path i have chosen differently.

while in conversation with a really good friend, and possible new roommate :), i said in response to her question of "are you ok, if it was me i know i would feel completely deflated. " i said, "i think at this point it takes to much of my energy to hate my self for this. i spent seven years hating my self and it is just not worth it. it is not my fault that someone can't see me."

in the midst of saying theses words i realized that it is true i can't spend the time and energy it takes to hate my self for other people's blindness and inhability to see. i have been reminded several times this week by my beautifully pregnant roommate that i know a God who woos. that the beauty and playfulness of that wooing is the litmus test for all other human relationships, most specifically when it comes to dating.

i as a strong guileless feminist woman are called to honor my self by waiting for perusal. when i don't i become fucking crazy, that's a clinical term. this craziness comes encapsulated in insecurities, doubts, jealous obsessions, and self dispisal. i forget that i am a well loved beautiful blessed child of the living God and think of my self as the neutered ugly non entity red headed stepchild. i get bound in the need to be as perfect as i can so that maybe i will not get rejected this time maybe just maybe i will be enough in stead of not enough. all of that trying to be perfect stops me from being my beautiful broken self, which ironically in being is what radiates the compelling beauty i posses and was created for.

after over fifteen years of this cycle i finally realize that rejection has nothing to do with whether or not i am enough and so much to do with someone else's lack of vision. i spent seven years being destroyed by a man who could never really see me inspite of the depth of which he knew me.

to this end i delight in the words of the gospel and rilo kiley "it is for freedom christ set us free, stand firm don't be burdened by the yoke of slavery." and "ooh it feels good to be free"

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