Wednesday, October 31, 2007

lost in a sea of pretty faces

tonight as i was out having a great time with all of my wonderful friends i had the overwhelming realization that i feel cursed. let me explain. i have many wonderful and incredible friends who i love very much, yet for the last ten years i have not been able to meet someone in the romantic sense. i have gone out with several people and while they were, for the most part, really great guys...nothing. i have not been in love for over five years and the last person i fell in love with is now married(like almost every other man in my life).

as i sat in a great bar tonight i was just struck by the fact that as i get older there is less chance of meeting anyone let alone someone who really intrigues me. part of this i know is me...i am picky and want to be with someone who challenges me, who shares my faith and passion for art. yet i am to stubborn to settle and to damned relational to be alone so i am left in the intersection of perpetual singleness and desire and dare i say it the tick ticking of nature. so what do i do? where do i go with all of this? God? yes i know that is the answer and yet i often wonder if God can do anything and sees how much pain not being chosen causes me how can God also care deeply for that pain or the apathy which it is becoming?

even now i feel my abundance of hope that something will change slowly drifting toward a kind of cynical apathy...i believe in love i believe in relationships for everyone but my self. i assume that i will not be allowed this seemingly forbidden fruit called relationship and so i try with all my might to close down the need for it. to become comfortable always being the best friend, auntie, single one what have you instead of holding hope that my life will not always look this way and my desire for relationship and family will not be unmet.

and so on this halloween i sit and sit in the stillness of not having not being chosen and try to hold hope that in spite of the evidence i have something wonderful and unique and blessed to offer another. that there is a deep seated beauty that lives in me and it will be made visible and seen....someday.

Saturday, October 27, 2007


i keep wondering why men are such jerks. no that's not it, rather it is that i wonder why when i have a bad interaction with a man i assume that it is some how my fault. why do i immediately take the blame for everything. i know that at least in part this comes from my role with in my family. but why do i take blame for things are clearly not my fault?

like when i think someone might know that i am interested in them, i instantly feel like everything is fucked and all hope is lost.

so is this the fault of the men i know or is this a issue with me or both?

i just don't know?

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

it is raining today...that beautiful calming northwest style rain. i sit in a kitchen that is not mine feeding a child that is not mine and listen to the rain. i feel like there has been so much chaos in my life over the last month and i am scrambling to find a place of calm.

even reading those last words i am aware of the desperation still present in how i am living. but the rain helps...i don't know maybe it is just the fact that i am a pure-blood northwestern girl or the fact that rain is like a natural sacrament to me. whatever the reason i always feel better when it is raining. there is something so beautiful and spiritual about the slow fall of rain and the saturation of what it touches. rain permeates the ground in the same way grace and faith seep slowly into my day to day life.

all this to say i like the rain...

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

the wonders of expensive chocolate

so thanks to one of my best friends and roommates i have become what i never thought i would be a chocolate person. you have to understand that all my life i have never been one who craves or even desires chocolate. in fact so often in college i had roommates who thought i was weird because i could leave a large amount of chocolate around the house and not devour it. actually that is still true i have a 5 pound hunk of chocolate in my freezer currently that has been there since last year and it is good chocolate. anyway back to my story of how i became a chocolate person.

emily has been introducing me to dark chocolate over the last eight started with a bar of theo...which is great great local handcrafted chocolate made right here in fremont. as the obsession has progressed i have found that i am at this place where almost anytime i enter a store that has good chocolate i have to look to see if they have anything interesting. last week while getting stuff for a weekend trip i found this incredible brand of chocolate at whole food...vosges. all of their chocolate has some kind of spice, nut, fruit combination. last night as i was shopping at sonic boom for vinyl they had some mini vosges bars and i got two...the black pearl bar which has wasabi, ginger, & black sesame seeds and the oaxaca bar with chilies. both are incredible.

check this out!!!!

so some friends of mine are in this great band called "the quiet ones". these same friend love the new pornographers...and lucky for them the new pornographers are offering a contest for a new iphone (two in one deal) for someone who can sing like michael mcdonald of the doobie brothers and steely dan. so they(my friends) have a video on their blog with them singing. and it totally cracks me go to to see the video then stay and check out the awesomeness in seattle that is the quiet ones.