Wednesday, October 31, 2007
lost in a sea of pretty faces
tonight as i was out having a great time with all of my wonderful friends i had the overwhelming realization that i feel cursed. let me explain. i have many wonderful and incredible friends who i love very much, yet for the last ten years i have not been able to meet someone in the romantic sense. i have gone out with several people and while they were, for the most part, really great guys...nothing. i have not been in love for over five years and the last person i fell in love with is now married(like almost every other man in my life).
as i sat in a great bar tonight i was just struck by the fact that as i get older there is less chance of meeting anyone let alone someone who really intrigues me. part of this i know is me...i am picky and want to be with someone who challenges me, who shares my faith and passion for art. yet i am to stubborn to settle and to damned relational to be alone so i am left in the intersection of perpetual singleness and desire and dare i say it the tick ticking of nature. so what do i do? where do i go with all of this? God? yes i know that is the answer and yet i often wonder if God can do anything and sees how much pain not being chosen causes me how can God also care deeply for that pain or the apathy which it is becoming?
even now i feel my abundance of hope that something will change slowly drifting toward a kind of cynical apathy...i believe in love i believe in relationships for everyone but my self. i assume that i will not be allowed this seemingly forbidden fruit called relationship and so i try with all my might to close down the need for it. to become comfortable always being the best friend, auntie, single one what have you instead of holding hope that my life will not always look this way and my desire for relationship and family will not be unmet.
and so on this halloween i sit and sit in the stillness of not having not being chosen and try to hold hope that in spite of the evidence i have something wonderful and unique and blessed to offer another. that there is a deep seated beauty that lives in me and it will be made visible and seen....someday.
Posted by jessi knippel at 11:33 PM