Thursday, November 22, 2007

turkey day musings

today is for thanks for remembering all the wonderful and good things one has in their life to be blessed by. yet i find that with every passing holiday and birthday i become more acutely aware of the things that i don't have.

i know that this isn't the point but i cannot help but be reminded of my desires and the seeming silence of God in regard to my cries. i have to wonder is it the age or something else.

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

go, go now!

wet hot american summer....this is a movie that one should watching right this minute!

i can't remember exactly when i first saw this movie only the fact that my guy friends from college all raved and quoted it for years before i finally saw it. this evening several of the girls from cg came over and watched it while drinking wine and eating delicious home made pizza. and i laughed my ass off (i wish!) it is just such a damn funny movie. a parody of so many things. it is one of those films that reminds me of the fun you can have working on a piece of theatre or film.

so go, go now and laugh till your sides ache.

Saturday, November 17, 2007

the asshole factor

once again i find my self interested in a man who is complicated and tends toward being a totally jerk. it is times like this when i realized that the gift of patience, hope, and grace can be negative as well as good. where as every one around me can rally to the resounding "asshole" (specifically in the tone of anthony lapaglia's character joe reaves from empire records)...i still want to believe that there is something else going on.

which leads to the question of the asshole factor...i don't like bad boy types but i always fall for the incredibly insecure men who over compensate for said insecurity with arrogant and assholic tendancies. i don't know if it stems from my father's tendancy to be that way or my need to care and encourage them. whatever the reason put me in a room with random people and i will, much like i do with finding expensive shoes, be drawn to the moody emotionally unavalable ass. if i had been more than a child when elliot smith was living i would totally have gone for him. two of my favorite musicians are adam duritz and ryan adams, brooding and unstable artists. yesterday one of my best friends told me i should start going for the simple nice guys but i reminded her that even with the nice guys i end up falling for the asshole ones (yes i know that sounds like an ironic statement but it's true even the "nice guys" i dated in high school were assholes to me) maybe i have a sticker on my back saying "assholes welcomed" it is right next to the "let me be your emotional masterbation" sticker and the "please tell me all about your sex life in great detail" sticker. yet we like who we like and tonight i go to bed hoping that someday there will be someone who isn't so assholic.

Monday, November 12, 2007

of frustration and stupidity

When I was little, big boys would taunt me
To prove their manhood, to make me fall
And it still happens, now that I'm older
They've got slave labor to take their calls
You've got a lifetime of grand successes
Which equals nothing when the day is done
Without love, no lasting value
Unless you die (into the power of one)

And man and woman, they join together
Like grace and mercy, the work begun
I am a living testimony of what was started
By the power of one ~ power of one (miranda stone)

i know that i am a feminist and that on the occations when i share those view with people generally the best response i can hope for is to be thought of a cute or slightly annoying. this is why i am careful when i speak and when i don't, about things that are gender related. twice yesterday i had the experience of uncomfort because of my passion for women needed to have voice. the first time i spoke the second i held my words. and it is the second time that even two days later comes back to haunt me. while talking about another issue of marginalization in a church context i made the statement that the same kind of thing happens with women. to which i was presented "well they aren't out and out anti-women" yet as i sat with that statement i realized that it wasn't true. it is just that we had been talking about racism and overt docterine, yet one of the major struggles with the issue of women and church is that there are very few people who are overt with their underlying prejudices in regard to this issue. (there are notable exceptions, certain pastors in the area)

for example i often wonder if my guy friends are aware of how insensitive it is to talk about the "hotness" of women, i don't have a problem with men or women talking about finding someone attractive but by using language that objectifies the person such as terms like (hot, fuckable, or other things of that nature) i find that i get very matter whether or not it is a woman or man speaking. it is things like this are covert ways in which prejudices come out...i know that we all make off-handed comments and i would honestly hate to live in a world where we were all pc about everything but i also hate the idea that just because i am a girl who can be "one of the guys" means that i have to sit through bullshit like that. what something like that really makes me feel, at least when my guy friends do it, is that my gender and sexuality do not matter at all. i become genderless and ghost like because in that instant the fact that i am a woman with desire for relationship and sex goes out the window.

maybe i am over reacting maybe i am too sensitve or maybe just maybe i am tired of being over looked as someone to be desired. whatever the reason i just needed to vent .