Saturday, November 17, 2007

the asshole factor

once again i find my self interested in a man who is complicated and tends toward being a totally jerk. it is times like this when i realized that the gift of patience, hope, and grace can be negative as well as good. where as every one around me can rally to the resounding "asshole" (specifically in the tone of anthony lapaglia's character joe reaves from empire records)...i still want to believe that there is something else going on.

which leads to the question of the asshole factor...i don't like bad boy types but i always fall for the incredibly insecure men who over compensate for said insecurity with arrogant and assholic tendancies. i don't know if it stems from my father's tendancy to be that way or my need to care and encourage them. whatever the reason put me in a room with random people and i will, much like i do with finding expensive shoes, be drawn to the moody emotionally unavalable ass. if i had been more than a child when elliot smith was living i would totally have gone for him. two of my favorite musicians are adam duritz and ryan adams, brooding and unstable artists. yesterday one of my best friends told me i should start going for the simple nice guys but i reminded her that even with the nice guys i end up falling for the asshole ones (yes i know that sounds like an ironic statement but it's true even the "nice guys" i dated in high school were assholes to me) maybe i have a sticker on my back saying "assholes welcomed" it is right next to the "let me be your emotional masterbation" sticker and the "please tell me all about your sex life in great detail" sticker. yet we like who we like and tonight i go to bed hoping that someday there will be someone who isn't so assholic.

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