Tuesday, December 30, 2008

waiting for the right time

over the last few days God has been pressing into my stupid inattentive heart the concept of waiting and the wonder that happens when one waits for all the elements of the universe and creativity to converge together to bring something in, essence as it was meant to be from the first thought of it's conception. (speaking of waiting wow that was a long sentence).

this all started with madelaine l'engle a few days ago. i have been reading her book "it was good" as part of my reflection/devotion/calming down time before i attempt to get my not very obedient body to sleep. in the chapter that i was reading, sister madelaine was talking about abram and God's promise of numerous stars and grains of sands. she speaks of the astounding fact, El(God) demands abram and sarai leave their native land the place bound to their hearts as home and go to a new place. yet it takes them so long to get to this new place and the fulfillment of the promises of El. even after El calls them, they wander around for years as El prepares and blesses them. in fact it is incredible because El blesses them in a great slathering of abundance, like the generous mother's cake frosting coating them in the rich gooeyness of tangible wealth in the midst's of their stupidity (hello not once but multiple times of passing wife off as sister). yet in each of these seeming miss steps is offered the wellspring of flourishing life. in fact this is El's m.o. with most of the characters of the old testament, with every foolishness and fuck-up blessing is offered.

as i have been asked to wait to move to california again and am choosing to be purposeful in this i find that i delight in these reminders of God's action with and on behalf of God's chosen. it is a call to remember that i have not been screwed with or abandoned but that i am being lavished (even though at times it feels like shattered) so that when i finally get to the place of my calling i am ready and adorned with the needed elements. waiting is hard but as the old saying goes "the best things are worth waiting for"

Saturday, December 27, 2008

the things about dreams

i have been thinking a lot about dreams and desires and i find my self wondering if there is a point at which one must give up their dreams. is there a time when it has been too long coming? when one has hoped and dreamed and finally has to say it will not happen it is impossible? or is it at that point when the dream becomes real because one must either embrace it fully at all costs or choose to say it costs to much to hope in this anymore and i can't?

for over ten years i have believed that just around the next corner i would reach that the point of contact where things would finally gel and i could live into dreams...yet i find that after ten years i feel more exhausted, fatalistic, and tired than i ever have been in my whole life. i find myself wondering if dreams are just for certain people that in a way they are classed and for all my desire i am just in the wrong class? that somehow i have missed the mark and wasted the time that i had allotted for those hopes and now they are impossible?

yet i also, on my good days, believe in a God who acts in the impossible...who shows up in the times when there is nothing left but God's action. i believe in the power and truth in fairytales, in story, in myth...i believe that the impossible is real and possible. so where does that leave the place for my situatedness now and my dreams to meet?

i don't know the answer only that i hope that God will soon choose to show up or that i will have eyes to see God's showing up and that in spite of depression and paralization and self hatred that i will choose adventure and risk for the sake of impossible dreams.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

that white powdery stuff is just so disorienting

after five days of snowed-inness i think i am going a bit loopy. the northwest has not seen weather like this since the mid 1960's according to my roommate's grandmother. with all of this shutting down of seattle because of the snow and the weird rhythm that being stuck at your house creates i find that i am up at 3:30am on chrismas eve for no good reason. all this time lends it's self to reflection and well honestly wasting of time. it's like some odd form of psychological conditioning. can't you just hear the creepy mad scientist/ villain voice over "hahahaha....we'll trap all those people in seattle with a bizzard and then see what happens...isn't that right richard!" (V.O. changes to a high pitched whine) "richard? i said isn't that right richard? damn it dr. frank n' furter this is exactly what i have been talking about richard really doesn't care about me or my evil plans to mess with north westerners."

i mean seriously i know that white is a much more cheery color than our typical winter grey but seattle is a city that's fond of it's winter grey and when one starts messing with it well you never can tell what will happen. i mean seriously hasn't anyone noticed that we north westerners are just a tab bit off. especially seattlites. for all our nature love we are one of the oddest cities. seriously like how there are so many single people in this city but no one can ever seem to get a date. or how about the fact that we on the whole have a bit too much of the eeyore syndrome...i think that might be the real reason we still don't have a monorail. (they have been trying since "singles" was first released people one would think the would have made some headway by now it's been well over ten years)!

all this to stay it is way to late or way to early depending on how you roll the dice but no matter what angle it is said...i want out of here!

i hearts michael showalter! (or yet another reason to make movies)


many of you have most likely never heard of the film "the baxter". this film came out in 2005 and well you haven't heard of it (unless you are mike or bryan) because it had a limited release and didn't get a lot of press. which is funny because it's cast features the likes of; paul rudd, elizabeth banks, justin theroux, michael ian black and the lovely michelle williams. many of the actors in the film have been involved or connected with the comedy group stella, the state, and the films "wet hot american summer" and "the ten".

while absolutely and wretchedly funny the comedy produced by this group tends to cross over into the type of humor where after a bit one feels a bit wrong about (in spite of the fact that you are still laughing) yet "the baxter" never does this uncomfortable moment create. the writing is witty and engaging. like any good comedy, this story starts with a somewhat universal theme and dresses it up a bit. what is inspiring and rare is that showalter creates comedy in the story in a way that still holds a reality and believability to the actuality of the premise. several of the characters, in the hands of a writer and directer who wasn't this skilled, would come off as horrible and unlikable, where as in showalter's hands the characters are still relatable and sympathetic. in the guise of a romantic comedy this film is both satirizing of that genera and also a very sweet indie film about falling in love. i loved the stylization of the artistic elements of the film and as usual michelle williams was absolutely delightful to watch. it was a great little piece of film and i think you all should rent it. take it as a bit of christmas joy with a bit of hope thrown in for good measure.

*and lastly on a totally unrelated note....please someone make all this white stuff covering the ground go away...the north west does not need a white christmas. thank you.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

the remains are making me happy!

i am obsessed...you know when you stumble upon something and it is so good that you can't rest until you have consumed it all and even then you are still want for more. this is how i feel about the fox show "bones" i saw an episode or two at the beginning of the year and then stumbled upon it while looking at something on imdb.com.

since then i have watched every episode that is posted on hulu (several more than once) was frustrated the week of thanksgiving because rain city video doesn't carry it, filled the next ten slots on my netflix, and asked my family for seasons 1-3 for christmas. so the question remains why is it so great?

well for one i LOVE all the elements of the show, both writing and casting is perfect and that my friends is a terribly rare quality for a tv show. the dynamic between faith and science is woven interestingly and in a way that honors both. most of all i appreciate that while the show deals with the forensics of murder that it is not a how can we gross you out this week show (cough CSI cough). it is a story of a group of people and their relationships and this group of people happen to solve murders and put away bad guys but the people and their journey is what is central to the show.

the two main characters are seeking something in the show, booth the FBI agent booth is seeking redemption and brennan the anthropologist is being taught how to engage with the world and life with out conpartamentalizing her self. like any good relationship they grow into better people because of their interactions with each other. it is one of those show that constantly reminds me of God and why i believe in God. i cannot say how much i love this show.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

desperately seeking acting job

Everything in my now that I have finished school just wants to jump strait into theatre again full time. Yet I have to wait...there are things that need to get in order for that to happen. This waiting time is like being in the pit of dispare I can't seem to get out of it. The weather the waiting it all feels like slow means of torture. Sitting watching films and tv shows that are incredibly well made that speak of the beauty God created and placed in the hearts of people is amazing and I want so badly to be a part of it. To tell great stories to speak of redemption and restoration and beauty. Yet I am stuck in a hole battling demons and voices and it is snowing and cold and all i want is out.

I find my self asking and begging and crying out to God to show up and it feels like more is taken and yet I must keep asking and begging and hoping that my God will enter into this and work good into my pain and frustration.

Saturday, September 20, 2008

aaron sorkin and why i believe art has value

watching "sport's night" last evening i was reminded of why aaron sorkin is on the top of the list of people i want to work with as an actor. i love the way he weaves accountablity, forgiveness, faith and justice in great writing.

three weeks ago i graduated with a master's degree and i still one a second one in theatre/film/acting. based on my current perspective and situation i feel as if the degree i just received is basically worthless and that because of the finances it took to get it i will be unable to get the second which i have wanted since i was nineteen maybe even since i was tweleve (although at that point i thought i would get it in undergrad). as i have been sitting trying to figure out where i am called and what i want to do i find that i am drawn to social justice and art, specifically art that addresses the abuses that happen every day to women to men to children for foolish and selfish reasons. books like "warrior marks" make me weep and after seeing the trailer today for "call and response" a film about artists responding to the selling of children and women into slavery and sex trade i find that i want to work for this kind of justice. i want to create movies like this, write plays like "the most massive woman wins", "the exonerated", "good body", "mass appeal" and change the world. i don't want to just create art that causes people to think i want to see myself and others be moved to action.

how many other american's are both afraid of the actions of our nation and government in many spheres of like and it's affect on the day to day realizing that we do have it better than many nations yet also are tired of hearing talking heads of state, media, what have you speaking of doing things that "help" out the nation and it's people when they are the same people who have helped to create these situations...and we the people the republic are also to blame because we have given away our power. we act like spoiled children not really knowing what is going on in our city, state, nation, world.

maybe this is faith understanding that as a follower of christ i am called to bring change "thy kingdom come, on earth as it is in heaven" this i believe has less to do with morality and more to do with community and awareness of others and how our actions interact with others...the ripple effect.

and i write this because i want to remind myself and maybe someone else that we can change the world because we have the power of one which can save all.

Sunday, September 07, 2008

to much chaos... how does one know?

i like many people i know are getting sick of all the political ads and we still have two months to go. in the midst of it i get comments from my dad about how excited he is about mccain and i have to remind him each time that i am not a republican and that even since i registered to vote in high school, i have always been a democrat. then he tell me that i am not his child and i chuckle and say yes i am just politically i am the black sheep...because no one else in my family extended or immediate is a democrat. honest to god it was like a sick disease in my family...which it is much like being a republican in many of my friends families.

all this to say it is once again time to choose the american figure head. which leads to a question i have been thinking about. how do you know? which person to choose? who is the best choice? because either way i am really not pleased with the connections of either party and the puppet-masters who truly run the show (come on people bush it not that smart). what bothers me is that i feel like no matter where you go there is no clear answer to this question. it is like choosing a denomination or church how do you choose? i know what i don't want in a leader and a church and then i feel like i am always left with choosing the lesser of two evils. like do i want a church that is open to women and my gay christian friends or do i want a church with a more grounded theology that doesn't allow space for women and dialogue?

it is so very hard to know, to really know what is best.

Friday, August 22, 2008

sitting on the sides leads to heart cracks

i finished school a week ago yesterday and unless i completely failed a class or something got messed up with my paper work...i currently hold a masters degree. which is in and of it's self a bit useless and well unhelpful really. or at least that is what it feels like a week after being done. this glaring reality glows white hot against the background of my...twenty-ninth birthday which will begin with in the hour and seeing a wonderful production at taproot theatre company.

as i sat watching a very nice production of the musical "big river" i felt the tears welling up and the fear and desire creeping in. it has always been hard to sit in the audience but tonight felt extra hard because i have not been on stage for two years. now i know there are plently of good reasons for that the first being that i was in school and working and that was enough to do with out other scheduling things. yet right now minutes away from turning twenty nine i feel for the first time that my hope (hope to meet someone, hope to do something i love, hope that i can actually be an actor and live passionalty) is wavering threating to fall away into the arms of practicality and reasonableness. i hear this voice saying you have chosen wrong you have screwed this up and it is now almost impossible to get there because the hole you have dug your self into is way to deep.

maybe this is the end of twenties crisis or maybe my dark night of the soul but whatever it is i have this feeling that i have to fight like hell to keep it back or i will be washed away this time around.

it feels like so very little what i want and yet so very big...to fall in love and beloved back...to create art and change the work...to be an actor to live in the rythm of the stage. tonight i was reminded of what i used to want to sing and act my whole life to be able to live as an actor singing and acting. it has been seven years since i even thought about singing for an audition...tonight i just wanted to jump on stage and sing and act my heart out.

my hope for this year is movemeny, a movement towards those dreams the rekindling of my stuborn hope and a few unexpected doors to open.

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

about birthdays

so yesterday was my best friend from high schools birthday and although i have spoken to him in almost four years i still have his birthday (as well as that of one other friend from high school, and my best friend from college)all etched into my brain. isn't that funny how certain things such as dates are connected to a person in our lives and no matter what happens to the relationship that mark of them is permanently attached to the brain.

growing up my father, who had been married before my mother, would always think that there wedding anniversary was on the date of his first. this besides pissing my mother off was always interesting to me, why would he remember the anniversary of a marriage that was hard and painful over the better one he currently had.

how come i remember the birthdays of people i haven't spoken to in years and forget, at times, the exact dates for those who i am currently and have been friends with for a long period of time...and why only some and not others?

all this to say a belated birthday to mr. jerid ty fox who resides somewhere in the grand state of florida about as far away from seattle as you can get in the continental usa. happy 28th friend hope it is a good year.

Tuesday, July 08, 2008

slowly loosing my mind...

i am sitting in class trying not to completely loose my mind. my mind is completely lost on all of this deep thinking. as my aunt said last night "your brain and body are telling you that you need a break from all this DEEP deep deep thinking". i over think this is a fact i cannot just lightly think of something but rather must be consumed with understanding it. yet over the last few weeks especially i have been unable to focus on anything really. this is a HUGE problem as i am trying to finish my last few classes for my degree, two of which are philosophy classes.

to focus on the depth of what is being offered in this studying of thought requires to much from me right now.

so here i sit slowing loosing focus and the ability to move thought-wise.

Monday, June 02, 2008

of days gone by and idealogy with them


once upon a time i was a teenager sitting in her bathroom smoking cigarettes and listening to a beautiful mouth piece of my generation, ani difranco. i remember being awe-struck listening to her album "not so soft" for the first time. it was the mid-nineties and there were so many challenging things happening in the world. things like aids and homosexuality were just being to come into major dialogue in mainstream culture and media to the point that those of us who had grow up in isolated versions of life couldn't avoid these issues anymore.

looking back well over ten years later i realize that exposure to her magnetic feminism has helped to define mine. i remember the utter frustration and stupidity of those high school drama's that i was entangled in at the time and how different life is now.

but i also remember this as a time where hope was a more tangible element...it was a hope in the future, hope in God, a hope that was yet untouched by things and fractures both personal and global.

i had yet to loose two of the most loved elders in my family, speaking of my family it was still in fact a family at that time not the fractured shell it is now, i had yet to really have my heart broken, our country had not yet experienced the fear based reaction and subsequent war that came out of september 11, 2001 because we had yet to sit glued to a television set watching in horror as monuments of our country and cultural ethos were shattered by hijacked airplanes, we had yet to be ruled for eight long years by a leadership that fundamentally has sought to destroy the ideas of freedom it "seeks to protect" in the name of safety.

it was a time where those of us who were growing up in it thought that we would find our battles and our cause and we would fight the good fight just like many of our parents did in their own way back in the sixties. we forgot that they lost. that there was the cold war and watergate and vietman continued and continues even now in the lives of many of our parents. we were the cross bearers of the horrors of dispare and materialism. these were some of the ways our parents tried to cope with the horror and betrayal of beautiful idealism of the sixties.

twinges of that hope returns as i listen to this album i remember a moment where there was hope and beauty and the belief that there is still good. i want to grow a place like that again to live out of a place that still believes in goodness even though i have witnessed great horror, sorrow, and pain. let's choose hope offer that to our children....i want to look for a live into the holes in my jeans.


looking for the holes

i am looking for the holes
the holes in your jeans
because i want to know
are they worn out in the seat
or are they worn out in the knees

there are so many ways to wear
what we have before it's gone
to make use of what is there
you know i don't wear anything i can't wipe my hands on

oh, do your politics fit between the headlines
are they written in newsprint, are they distant
mine are crossing an empty parking lot
they are a woman walking home
at night
alone
they are six string that sing
and wood that hums against my hipbone

we can't afford to do anyone harm
because we owe them our lives
each breath is recycled from someone else's lungs
our enemies are the very air in disguise

you can talk a great philosophy
but if you can't be kind to people
every day
it doesn't mean that much to me
it's the little things you do
the little things you say
it's the love you give along the way

when we patch things up
they say a job well done
but when we ask the question why
where did the rips come from?
they say we are subversive
and extreme, of course
we are just trying to track a problem to its source

we are looking for the holes
the holes
we are looking for the holes
the holes

because we know we can't sit back
and let people come to harm
we owe them our lives
each breath is recycled from someone else's lungs
our enemies are the very air
our enemies are the air

i am looking for the holes
the holes in your jeans
because i want to know
are they worn out in the seat
or are they worn out in the knees

Monday, May 26, 2008

film festivals oh my!!!!!


so i am a totally lame seattlite who finally went to siff (seattle international film festival) for the first time since i have lived here. three films in and i am totally sold. tonight i did a brave thing, at least for me, and went to see a documentary on hunter s thompson by my self. now i already knew walking into the film that i LOVE thompson's writing (maybe a horrible thing for a feminist to say but what can you do). but love pails in comparison to the adoration i felt walking out. i was completely blow away and totally challenged as an artist and citizen of this dear and totally human country. listening to the sorry, grief, and rage of a patriot, misguided at times but still, who truly loved this country of america and wrote about the death of that america called to my heart about passion and investment in the place one is situated. i cannot begin to stress how lovely, artistically interesting, and challenging this film was to watch....go out and see it NOW!!!

Thursday, April 17, 2008

washington square....

I sold my piano
It couldn't come with me
I locked up my bedroom
And I walked out into the air
When nothing I needed
Is left there behind me
I walk out through the shadows
Of Washington Square~washington square counting crows


i got the new counting crows album, breaking my rule against buying albums off i-tunes, during a late night music need. it came with a track by track commentary. while listening mr. duritz talk articulately about the things and experiences that had inspired this most recent album.

in the delirium of late night i listen the album...and was struck by this song especially. it is about moving away from what you know to enter into something new. this is where my life seems to be moving currently to a large move to a new place away from so many of the people i have my life with. over the next few months i am working towards the possibility of moving down to los angeles and living into the dream of being there and trying to work as an actor.

over the last few weeks i have ran the gambit between being completely blown away by the possibility and by being absolutely stuck with fear.

Thursday, April 03, 2008

long loves and other long awaited things

finally getting the chance to watch the beautiful film version of "love in the time of cholera", and in watching it i am reminded of the wonder and heart-ache i felt reading this story. marquez creates such lovely and vivid stories of humanity catching at the very essence of life. there is so much connectivity between the characters and their lives with in this epic tale.

i cannot imagine being able to love for as long as the main character does in this story does 51 years of love of the willingness to devote their heart to one person. i say this coming from a family of longtimers, meaning when we commit we commit to the long term, and yet even though i have loved long and hard. i still could not imagine loving and being so certain of my love for that long. yet, what i can imagine is having a hope and a dream for long and waiting for it to be fulfilled. as i sit now in the waiting, waiting for the fulfillment of a dream i am blown away with the anticipation and fears of this happening. if all doors open, i just might be able to live in los angeles by fall a dream of mine for the last ten years. the possiblity of this dream becoming reality is for me the same as falling in love and finally finding out that the man i love love's me as well. there is a beauty to a long awaited hope coming as a possiblity.

so like a lover waiting on her beloved i wait for my dream to become alive and living appearing in front of me.

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

wanting and fear and other complications


my roommate and i just finished watching "catch and release" first and for most i have to say two thing

a)timothy olyphant is fucking incredible...i love watching him act (it helps that he is quite lovely as well) but seriously he is one of those people that i just love to watch in a film because he totally draws you in even when playing the bad guy.

b) kevin smith is funny, which i already knew but it was great to see him in someone else's film and have impeccable comic timing his is just so great!

that said the movie is quietly engaging it slowly draws you in to the reality of grief and love, softly serenading your heart as a viewer. because it is such a good story i as viewer am now in it's aftermath left with frustration because it lures to the surface my desire for a good and amazing man. this is the last thing i need because really i don't know any as of yet and there doesn't seem to be any on the horizon.

so i am left with the what to do now with this? shall i sit in the longing of my desire...grieve the fact that it has yet to be met at all or try to kill or erase it?
but maybe that isn't the question i should be asking maybe i should just let it be and focus on other things...like the fact that i am auditioning for the numbers three and six respectively graduate acting programs with in the next month and am a bit scared.

also and along with that i should start thinking about what it means if i should get in and preparing for possible MAJOR life changes like moving to a new state and figuring out how the hell to pay for it all. maybe i should just forget men in general for a while and let my desire hibernate for the winter spring summer and however more cycles of seasons until all things collide to make it possible. not sure if i am feeling to much or not enough...