i finished school a week ago yesterday and unless i completely failed a class or something got messed up with my paper work...i currently hold a masters degree. which is in and of it's self a bit useless and well unhelpful really. or at least that is what it feels like a week after being done. this glaring reality glows white hot against the background of my...twenty-ninth birthday which will begin with in the hour and seeing a wonderful production at taproot theatre company.
as i sat watching a very nice production of the musical "big river" i felt the tears welling up and the fear and desire creeping in. it has always been hard to sit in the audience but tonight felt extra hard because i have not been on stage for two years. now i know there are plently of good reasons for that the first being that i was in school and working and that was enough to do with out other scheduling things. yet right now minutes away from turning twenty nine i feel for the first time that my hope (hope to meet someone, hope to do something i love, hope that i can actually be an actor and live passionalty) is wavering threating to fall away into the arms of practicality and reasonableness. i hear this voice saying you have chosen wrong you have screwed this up and it is now almost impossible to get there because the hole you have dug your self into is way to deep.
maybe this is the end of twenties crisis or maybe my dark night of the soul but whatever it is i have this feeling that i have to fight like hell to keep it back or i will be washed away this time around.
it feels like so very little what i want and yet so very big...to fall in love and beloved back...to create art and change the work...to be an actor to live in the rythm of the stage. tonight i was reminded of what i used to want to sing and act my whole life to be able to live as an actor singing and acting. it has been seven years since i even thought about singing for an audition...tonight i just wanted to jump on stage and sing and act my heart out.
my hope for this year is movemeny, a movement towards those dreams the rekindling of my stuborn hope and a few unexpected doors to open.