Friday, August 22, 2008

sitting on the sides leads to heart cracks

i finished school a week ago yesterday and unless i completely failed a class or something got messed up with my paper work...i currently hold a masters degree. which is in and of it's self a bit useless and well unhelpful really. or at least that is what it feels like a week after being done. this glaring reality glows white hot against the background of my...twenty-ninth birthday which will begin with in the hour and seeing a wonderful production at taproot theatre company.

as i sat watching a very nice production of the musical "big river" i felt the tears welling up and the fear and desire creeping in. it has always been hard to sit in the audience but tonight felt extra hard because i have not been on stage for two years. now i know there are plently of good reasons for that the first being that i was in school and working and that was enough to do with out other scheduling things. yet right now minutes away from turning twenty nine i feel for the first time that my hope (hope to meet someone, hope to do something i love, hope that i can actually be an actor and live passionalty) is wavering threating to fall away into the arms of practicality and reasonableness. i hear this voice saying you have chosen wrong you have screwed this up and it is now almost impossible to get there because the hole you have dug your self into is way to deep.

maybe this is the end of twenties crisis or maybe my dark night of the soul but whatever it is i have this feeling that i have to fight like hell to keep it back or i will be washed away this time around.

it feels like so very little what i want and yet so very big...to fall in love and beloved back...to create art and change the work...to be an actor to live in the rythm of the stage. tonight i was reminded of what i used to want to sing and act my whole life to be able to live as an actor singing and acting. it has been seven years since i even thought about singing for an audition...tonight i just wanted to jump on stage and sing and act my heart out.

my hope for this year is movemeny, a movement towards those dreams the rekindling of my stuborn hope and a few unexpected doors to open.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Jesse, congratulations on earning your M.Div. It's a big deal.

Now take a break. Give yourself time to let God put you back together--it'll take a couple of years.

Sing again.

One of the most thrilling things that happened after I finished my B.A. in Bible umpteen years ago was the day I could pick up the Scriptures and read them again without feeling nauseous. Shocking, huh? The education was invaluable, but no one prepared for some of the other ill effects. God worked them out though--He is grand, is He not?

You have a heart full of passion and love, and God knows that. He knows it. He has begun a work in you and will continue it, and I hope He doesn't spare you any joy or pain in the making of His desire in you.

Each morning, I awaken before my lovely wife, and I get out of bed to let our two little Yorkies out. While they're out, I make some coffee (right now it's a Boston Stoker varietal--Brazillian Sunshine). After I let them in and give them a treat, they scamper back upstairs to bed, and I grab a cup of coffee and walk into our living room. There, I sit on the ottoman and I pray.

I will pray for you tomorrow morning, Jesse Knippel.

In Christ,

Chris (yes, I've commented before)