i have been thinking a lot about dreams and desires and i find my self wondering if there is a point at which one must give up their dreams. is there a time when it has been too long coming? when one has hoped and dreamed and finally has to say it will not happen it is impossible? or is it at that point when the dream becomes real because one must either embrace it fully at all costs or choose to say it costs to much to hope in this anymore and i can't?
for over ten years i have believed that just around the next corner i would reach that the point of contact where things would finally gel and i could live into dreams...yet i find that after ten years i feel more exhausted, fatalistic, and tired than i ever have been in my whole life. i find myself wondering if dreams are just for certain people that in a way they are classed and for all my desire i am just in the wrong class? that somehow i have missed the mark and wasted the time that i had allotted for those hopes and now they are impossible?
yet i also, on my good days, believe in a God who acts in the impossible...who shows up in the times when there is nothing left but God's action. i believe in the power and truth in fairytales, in story, in myth...i believe that the impossible is real and possible. so where does that leave the place for my situatedness now and my dreams to meet?
i don't know the answer only that i hope that God will soon choose to show up or that i will have eyes to see God's showing up and that in spite of depression and paralization and self hatred that i will choose adventure and risk for the sake of impossible dreams.