Wednesday, March 11, 2009

hope deferred..

i got a call this morning from a dear friend who lives on the other side of the country and hearing her joy in working as a counselor made my heart very happy. she loves what she does it is her delight and her calling even when it is hard.

over the last two month i have been wrestling and searching for what that looks like and is in my life. i find that i spend many a night in prayer aching and questioning what puzzle piece in this world am i. there are times right now when i can't even bare the word artist, specifically actor, because it seems so impossible. with each film or script or even the simple act of a song from rent coming up in my i-pod play list my heart breaks with the ache of desire. i want so badly to know what my unique place is, where i can best serve others. it is hope and desire and dreams of life and each night i give them up and ask for clarity.

two nights ago i felt the pain that comes from deferred hope, the wormwood of bitterness coating my conversation...the weight of it mounts at the frustration of wanting to be somewhere else. the next step to calling is los angeles yet to get there money or a job have to come through. i find that my doubts are heightened by the desire and hope of los angeles coupled with the uncertainty of calling. there are times when having faith that if i am called then a way will open give way to a exestencial self loadthing. very often i think things like "it's just me i carry the screw up mark" or "everyone else is better than i am that's why things work for them" these voices have a hard time being dispelled when your parental voice tends toward reminding you that so many people are jobless and homeless and screwed and dying all over the world and beside that things never worked out for you before...when you get a little bit of leeway it just creates bigger problems.