Saturday, May 30, 2009

choice

i have to keep reminding myself today that for as much as i feel stuck i still get to choose how i am going to respond to life and decide to see the good over the seemingly bad. it is so hard to trust in the good of unseen, to have faith in the reasons for blessing that lead to remaining in seattle for another year.

one of those pesky reasons being the fact that the doors for both a layover in portland and the finish line of los angeles have been slammed shut. i did all that i was capable of doing and still those hefty doors didn't open. each moment and breath is a reminder that just because it didn't open now doesn't' mean in twelve months that the door to the dream of los angeles will still remain like the fiery angels at the entrance to eden. God, as my dear auntie weekly and sometimes daily reminds me, is not a God of chaos. the hopes and dreams which sit in the depths of my heart and course through my being are not in vain but are being molded and fire tested for the best possible creation of jessi.

it is in moments when i actually allow that to sink in that i can see the whimsical beauty of details: five clouds dancing in the brief bit of light sky, the enchanting cry of breath taking view as i drive across the 99 bridge, the oddity of neon signs when only a few odd letters blaze out some unknown code, and the lush comfort of neighbourhoods lined with trees as you drive under their canopy in the warm night listening to the echo of a love song by led zeppelin. because these are little gifts of light and they are offered up to you in the midst of cloudy despair to remind you to look up, play, wonder, and see.

so in a ten minute drive i am reminded of being open and purposeful and enter into the offering of a cosy yet squeaky old bed.

Friday, May 01, 2009

where do fit?


over the course of the last eight months i have been trying to figure out what is next where to go what to do now that i have spent three years working on a master's degree. at first i tried to get a second but that didn't happen (although i still might apply again), then i just wanted to find something i could do that was enjoyable that would pay the bills. somewhere in limbo of that idea is where i rest right now yet i have to wonder if that doesn't happen. if i don't get this job what then? how will i get out? how do i get out and where do i fit?

many of my prayers recently, well beside the basics of "don't let my car break" "please let me have enough money to pay my bills", have been about what is next and where i should go, what i have to offer the world. i have huge hopes and dreams but they feel about as worthless as my three worthless degrees. i just don't know what it is that i am created for. so many people have said that i am a leader, translator, teacher, artist, pastor, what have you but i have no idea where i am or where those things come together to become something.

it will become clear and the pieces will come together but right now that is hard to believe.