i have been struggling no rather battling with depression a lot recently what with my 30th birthday just weeks around the corner. that age looms stark and bright on the horizon seeing as how i not only am no where near where i thought i would be at when turning thirty but in fact am feel like a utter fucked up failure. i don't have enough work to pay the bills, i have been single for the last ten years, and i can't seem to get out of the hole no matter what i do. to top it off i am so screwed and broke i don't even have the luxury of being able to get medication to bring my self into balance because i haven't had health insurance for the last four years.
so instead i practice my own form of self medication...creating art and watching great film making (which kind of works and kind of doesn't). it works because by making art i am at least being productive and creating something...painting is especially therapeutic yet also i get more depressed because i want to badly to be a part of making movies.
tonight in the name of self medication therapy i watched "across the universe" which i love, most likely because at my heart i am a HUGE fan of musicals. julie taymor does an incredible job and creating films that capture the nature of live theatre plus they are so damned cool looking. oh yeah and she has both bono and eddie izzard in the trippy song sequences so that's pretty cool yeah. any way as i was engulfed in beatles music and love stories i found my self wondering about the nature of true love. you see i have been questioning the actuality that it is possible for everyone to experience love healthy and life giving love. so many of my friends are separated or divorced or choosing bad relationships or worse settling for something that isn't what is best for them. all of this makes me question the possibility of true love for everyone, granted i know a chosen few who amazingly do have this dynamic in their relationship yet they are few and far between. i often ponder the question of if love will actually come to me in my life or if to have a relationship i will have to settle for what comes that which is less than my heart aches for. or am i so very wrong and love is out there and he who my heart longs for will come. a phrase which comes out of the many hymns we sing at church leading to a follow up question can i love God with out experiencing loving another person who is tangible and flawed?
i don't know all i know right now is that i want so badly to move from hoping someday things will come together to a place where they do in their flawed and beautiful way. gosh i am scared about my birthday.