Friday, March 12, 2010

Fears of Commitment (Notes from the Desert #7)

I was thinking about my fears of commitment last night as I was journaling. It all started as I was thinking about my relationship to God and something my aunt had said. As I thought more about her statement, my thoughts centered around the fact that I find it so hard to understand what it really means to be in a relationship with God. So often I read about and see other's relationship but have very few moments of clarity in mine. Thinking and pondering this made me think about commitment. I both deeply desire and am afraid of commitment (not only with God but also with men), I think this is true of many of us. So many people are afraid of commitment, I hear it all the time the fear of being with only one person for the rest of their lives. Yet we also deeply believe in the concepts of true love, soul-mates, and "meant to be" which all equal to me the idea of commitment just in the guise of fate.

When watching a movie or tv show we always root for the couple to make it together, not root for them to decide to have an open relationship or divorce for infidelity five years down the road, no we want them to be together forever because they work together because really we all are looking for the same. I mean how many people watch something like "Jerry Mcguire" and secretly want someone to come running up to them and say "You complete me". What we forget, what I forget is that commitment is not only about being right for each other but it is about choosing to work at a relationship. The choice to say yes to something also means saying no to something else. When going to school most of us don't say well I am going to do my first year at NYU and then my second at Stanford, ect until you finally finish that would be crazy and take so much time, money and energy (yes sometimes you get into a school or relationship and realize that isn't what is best i understand this i am talking about constantly changing). But in generally we forget the work aspect of it...maybe because there are so few things that show the reality of a working relationship. How many romantic comedies deal with the getting together part no the staying together part. The funny thing with relationships is that we are constantly seeking for something new something exciting yet some of the best things come with work and time and are not easily gotten.

The more I have thought about commitment the more I realized that the fears I have around relationships are just that fears. There is something honestly good about commitment and that is part of what is scary that the risk involved. Commitment means saying no to other options, that is one of the most frightening things that is until you find something that is worth letting go of the possibility of other things; other people, other lives, other Gods. I think that is the magic and beauty and mystery that we see in art and films, that our hearts long for and we are searching for.

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