Watching the academy awards tonight I realized that so often those things which we used as means of escape also become that which accuses us of failure. Or at least that is how watching award shows make me feel, especially now that I am thirty, like all of those dreams from fifteen years ago were just the foolish thoughts of a girl sitting backstage in a high school theatre. Somehow I wasn't even able to come close to any of those. Were those dreams just the foolish fantasies or where they something possible that I screwed up or is it all something else?
Sitting here watching the parade of beautiful and mostly talented people who have come together to celebrate the challenging and hard experience of making a film, I find it hard to describe all the various emotions that come out. The dissonance is almost greater with the fact that I am sitting on my make shift bed (ie the couch) of my parent's living room. How did I get here? This is no where near where I thought I would be at thirty. And where am I to go? What do you do with seemingly impossible dreams that still float in your mind amid the more simplistic desire to make a living and be able to pay your bills? Is there hope and possibility even when everything feels so impossible and you feel like no matter what you want it is out of reach (yet this anomaly only affects you). I want more than anything to be doing things which are of value and beauty and challenge the world. Yet so far I feel like I have done nothing that accomplishes any of these things...will that ever happen?