Tuesday, March 09, 2010

Notes from the Desert #6

How one describes one's self especially when one is an artist i think is important...the labels we give ourselves say something about us. tonight i realized that at this point in my life i would not use the term writer to describe my self. i would say things like i dabble in writing now and then but i am not really a writer...sometimes i write, just like sometimes i paint or make jewelry or act.

but for the first time in my life i question whether or not i should use the term artist to describe my self. i am artistic but am i an artist? i look at my best friend and i would say she and our dear friend bex's are writers, my dear seattle friend jen is a painter, and my friends kasey, lorrie and jesse are all actors but am i an artist or just artistic a lover of art one who analyzes art. see both my brothers are artists and my mom because they can't help but create but me i can go days with out allowing my muse to get me up off my ass to type the idea or embody the words or paint the emotion on to the wood five feet away. is it laziness or fear or a heady combination of both that keeps me from moving forward into the thing i have define in my life to be as vital as the frayed faith i cling to for breath and life? why do i keep those desires just out of reach?

i want to be caught on fire by passion and beauty and creativity and love but instead of risking and sitting in the suffering i just sit on the fence. i am so bound to the failure that i find it hard to follow the one foot in front of the next path to success. so i default, i over commit, i let deadlines pass away all so that i don't really have to face something...yet here i am at thirty and i want something more real. i finally want to grab the bull by the horns and take that ride sweaty and hot beaten and bruised but holding on until they have to pry my fingers off of the dream. it is on longer sand slipping through so easily but held with a death grip.

so what does it mean to be an artist and how does one know if they are one...i don't know but what i do know is that most of the people i have worked with doing arts advocacy and dialogues with had a hard time calling themselves artist even though they were making and producing art that was being bought and garnering accolades. so maybe it comes down to allowing and creating space to do those things that you love and give you life.

No comments: