Given the storms that have been hitting the northwest this week today is a very dark and gloomy day. The type where you want nothing more than to curl up on the couch with a good book and a big cup of tea or soup while the fire rages in the fireplace. It is a day where my heart longs for cosieness and protection.
In addition it also happens to be the saturday of easter weekend the darkest day in the liturgical calender. Because this is the moment before we know that in the end it will be all right. This is the place in the story where you are almost certain that the character you have grown to love will not get out alive.
A few months ago I saw "A Single Man" and the feeling of anger and frustration with the end of that film is the feeling of this holy saturday. You have been taken for a ride that has ripped out your guts and you are told that we have arrived at the end of the tale. What strikes me today is how much I live in the end of "A Single Man" instead of Easter Sunday. I profess that I believe in redemption, healing, and miricles and I do just not for my self. My heart longs to see big things, drastic changes, and the beauty of God's action in the hearts of people and yet I don't believe that he will choose to work like that in my life. Some how I don't think that I deserve or are worth that action.
My best friend's father and I had a conversation about this and how it related to the novel "The Shack" a few months ago when I was in Los Angeles. He asked me if I had read the novel and what I thought of it and we got to talking about my relationship to God and what it is I truly believe about God with my heart (because the things I believe strongly with my mind and spirit don't always connect to my heart). The central element of that conversation was that I don't think that I am worthy of God's action. That I have this underlying thinking that somehow I will do something so apathedic or bad that God will not allow me to enter into life with God. Ironically I hold very strongly to a theology that is centered in the idea that God is such a loving God that God persues even the likes of Judas because God is one redemption and hope. The idea of reconcillation for the WHOLE of creation is vital to my understanding of God, and yet I often question whether or not I am part of that process.
Sitting in this darkness today I find that I want two things: healing-leading to joy and hope, and direction with out doubt but marked by confidance in the calling. In the tomb of my chaos and fear this is the light that I hope for in the vision of tomorrow's celebration. It is a prayer to be opened up and healed, for my eyes to be light with a new form of vision. To be moulded into a new form and being the one I was created to be in the first place.