Tonight while watching my favorite show, "Bones", I was reminded of how hard it is to trust your heart. It hurt to watch a fictional character choose safety over a risk worth taking. My gut reaction was why? "Why would you do that? Don't you know...?" But the character doesn't know, much like some of the children I have worked with who don't know how to express how they feel or what they are feeling. It is to much for this character to allow them self to feel what they feel so they choose their head, their safe place and I think in the end if this story is well written which I believe it to be the character will be offered the space to see what they have lost and choose it again. Watching this exchange I saw a bit of myself, the battle between my head and my heart where the former takes over and shuts out the latter. At first it was a form of safety and much needed for me to survive the things that were to great for me to carry. Now it is what has been limiting my ability to move forward and become who I want to be come, who I am created to be. My form of protection has become my form of spiritual and emotional suicide.
Fear can drive how we engage with the world in such a limiting way. This emotion when it keeps us from situations and people that are meant to be blessings can rob us of the life we were made for. Is it really worth all the safety we get in exchange for the loss of beauty and irreplaceable gift being offered through taking that risk? How can you walk away from the path that has and continues to mark your life? I think of CS Lewis the great teacher & writer who in spite of all the reasons why he shouldn't have choose to love and marry Joy Davidson. Yes, it cost him dearly but it also blessed him and I believe he would say that the cost was worth the heartache because the pain was overshadowed in the end by beauty of having opened him self up to loving this woman. To quote him, "Why love, if losing hurts so much? I have no answers anymore: only the life I have lived. Twice in that life I've been given the choice: as a boy and as a man. The boy chose safety, the man chooses suffering. The pain now is part of the happiness then. That's the deal."
As much as it scares me to do so I want to reflect Lewis in my life. To bear a willingness to risk: for love, truth, beauty and those other things which are truly worth the cost and the pain of feeling. This day I began a journey to get to a place of integration, where my mind and heart and spirit can come together and work in unity with each other instead of battling each other. I have spend twenty eight and a half years with my heart waring with my heart. A few hours ago this began to change and I am beginning to be release from the fear and anxiety that has marked my life. Some day soon I will no longer be the character I watched tonight, turning away from the lover of the characters heart. Instead I will choose to dance. to risk, to open up to love.