Sunday, May 16, 2010

tears and restoration

it is not a just world...these words from a tv show ring in my head as i think about my grandfather and my family.

over the last week i have been on an emotional roller coaster, a week ago tonight was the last time i saw my grandfather. i sat in a hot room next to his mostly immobile frame that occasionally shuttered from the increasing tremors wrought by parkinson's disease. and i talked...mostly incoherent ramblings about memories, work, and what i was reading. i seriously wonder if i finished any thought or idea. at the end i kissed his head squeezed his hand one last time and said i love you and then walked into the heat of an ending day. the moment i left the parking lot my fingers started dialing numbers as i tried to stay the tears rapidly forming. by the time my father's voice emerged after several voice mails and six miles i could hardly form a coherent sentence. images flooded my mind of walking into the intensive care unit and seeing my mom. she was swollen to three times her size because of all the water that was retained in her body. there were tubes coming out all over and she was in a coma and had been for about a week. jenny was the only reason i was even in that room with her, my brave friend who now works as a nurse, because i know i could have never at 19 passed that thresh hold with out her there with me. and again it was talking and singing "church songs" and telling my immobile mother how much we loved her. loss hurt so badly but for me watching someone you love waste away or be trapped in a captive state such as a coma is awful. it feels like your heart and all your fear has been ripped out of your body and it is all you can do to remember to breathe.

only once have i been able to have a good, a relative term with what i next say, experience with saying bye before death. and that was with my dad's mother. i went to see her a few days before she died knowing it was our last talk i was able to tell her how much i loved her and how much i cared and she was still able to converse with me and tell me how much she loved me and cared.

i wish i could have anne lamott experiences with death where in reflection i could find the beauty in sitting with those in an ephemeral state bravely and openly sending them off to sheol. but i can't i hate that people have to waste away to nothing a shell of their former selves, that we have to see those we love suffer and be placed in a transient state of being. i hate that i do and don't have a mother and that through out this week of loosing her father that i am more filled with loss. this is the same loss i am sure i will be flooded with on my wedding day (if ever there is one) and the birth (or adoption) days of what ever children i am blessed with. it is the cry of a child looking at all of this pain "GOD this is not fair, we were not meant for this" and i believe God sadly concedes "the world is not fair, not now at least"

and there is where i remember "thy kingdom come thy will be done on EARTH as it is in HEAVEN" we are made for earth and we are commissioned to bring healing and restoration to earth so God's will is over the earth. i don't believe this means drilling for oil or voting republican or supporting a group just because they say they are a christian organization. it is the continuation of the call to "love the lord your God with all your heart soul and mind and love your neighbour as your self" "he has shown you oh man what is good. and what does the lord require of you? to act justly, love mercy and walk humbly with your God" and the on going theme of caring for the orphan, the widow, and the stranger (other) these are the ways in which God's will is done on earth as it is in heaven. it is in hope that we seek for justice, mercy, and love...the hope is that there will come a time when death no longer rips out our hearts because death and disease will be no more. i believe that all of creation was created and named "good" and that part of the job of a believer is to seek to wipe off the tarnished bits and bring the "good" to the surface. to participate in the restoration of the whole of the created order which is everything in creation, or as the hymn goes "let everything that hath breathe praise the lord".

1 comment:

Mike and Annie said...

i loved reading this for many reasons, jess. one: it inspired me and made me sense the presence of the spirit even here with me on the couch. two: it challenged me to remember why i'm here and to again try to reframe things from a kingdom perspective and three (perhaps the most excited): i got to know you, my dear friend, a little more by reading it. thanks for writing it. i sure i could have been with you this past week. i look forward to when we can be together again.
i love you.