Saturday, June 26, 2010

beautiful.... (lost NFTD # unknown)

i struggle a lot with issues of acceptance and beauty...what woman doesn't. when one is constantly assaulted with airbrushed perfection it is incredibly hard to not have moments of self hate. as an actress i found it even more of a struggle, given the nature of the entertainment industry where even women who are skinny are told that they need to be "fixed" by loosing five more pounds or getting this and that waxed, when you are a bigger girl (one of the pc terms for being curvy and heavier) things are ever more pronounced. In fact part of my decision to take a break from acting for the last two years had to do with being in seattle (where most of the roles are type cast) and having a majorly limited options for work. in this time between seattle and los angeles i have been working through many barriers and walls, one of them being self acceptance.

through my best friend's foray into makeup as a form of self expression i have been encouraged and challenged to express myself more in the area of fashion. and i have found it to be a twofold wonderment a) it has allowed me to search and find positive expressions of diverse beauty 2) hell it's fun to play dress up whether you are 3 or 93. why do we assume that when we reach adulthood that the "play" needs to stop. (very mars hill idea that one need to relearn how to play) watching lady gaga videos and encountering women like beth ditto and the beauties of the "manfattan project" stir up not only my feministic passion but my christian passion. we are all made in the image of God and that image is good and beautiful so why the hell do we so often undermine this!!!! (yes i know the world is broken and messed up but...) this passion comes out because i HATE that people, women especially are told the opposite of this, that really there are so many things that need to happen before they are acceptable. in a country that celebrates it's diversity our view of said diversity is pretty messed up.

really what all of this ramblingness is about is my desire to see more people who look like me and my friends called beautiful and i want to see the beauty in myself, to be so confidant in who i am that nothing really phases me.

Sunday, June 20, 2010

what is justice? (NFTD #24)

seek justice, love mercy and walk humbly with your God (micah 6:8)

watching documentaries about the issues of the world or ever just the simple act of turning on NPR makes one wonder if justice ever does happens? even now as I write this I sit listening to a Vanguard(Missionaries of Hate, 4:1) documentary on the 2009 proposed Ugandan anti-gay law. This law if it was in-acted would make at a minimum penalty of life in prison and maximum would be the death penalty, currently being gay in Uganda is illegal (until 2000 only male homosexuality was covered under this bill). no matter what your view of homosexuality and gay marriage I would hope that anyone would say that being gay is something that shouldn't lead one to be imprisoned or killed!
this is just one example of at least twelve stories I encountered today in a span of and hour and a half of radio and new tv.

with each story of injustice i feel my heart break. because this is not the way the world is suppose to be...we all know this deep in our hearts. it's the reason we love stories where the under dog wins and where those who have been abused receive justice. and yet i often feel like we also have lost the action that goes with this call to justice. We feel deeply but our feeling doesn't seem to move us to acts of seeking justice...why is that? it seems to be only that which doesn't demand our whole energy and our lives. we can purchase items from the "red campaign" and support a cause with out really dealing with the effects that aids, tb and marlaria have for those in the third world because it has been made easy and accessable. we worry about human rights abuses and the sujection/abuse of women in other countries, while failing to deal with the abuses and human traffiking that happens here in the States.

another example of this is the film "this film is not yet rated" once again i was blown away by the stupidity of people in regard to artistic expression. In addition, it is also a great reminder of how only certain expressions of love and power are acceptable. So many of the cuts to films specifically revolve around female sexuality & gay sexuality. Violence is absolutely acceptable with in films.

I love that Kevin Smith's top idea for a new rating system has the top offense is rape and abuse of women (ie films with the kind of content would receive a R or X rating). Through our continued suppression of healthy expressions of gender and sexuality and our glorification of violence we sublimally promote these world views. A world where women are not allowed to have healthy or pleasurable expressions of sexuality, where womens' naked bodies are not well protected but seeing the male form naked requires heavy restrictions, where we can blow up and kill many people and things creating a sexual frenzie around this imagery with out the realistic psychological effect of this action...also the failure to see the insidious and harmful nature of the so call "pg 13 & r rating" because of what is or isn't allowed to be seen.

this lacking of justice comes from various places for various reasons but in the end it leaves me sad and broken hearted.

Sunday, June 06, 2010

fashion, make up and role models

just a few brief thoughts...

i have been watching some make up blogs in part because my best friend is totally incredible and wanting to do something when i am down for the 4th of july. which lead me to beth ditto of gossip (a band i had been hearing about but just hadn't listened to) and lady gaga (same as above).

and i have to say that there is a secret diva/wild child hidden inside of me. looking at both of their looks and fashion sense inspires me to be more creative and get beyond my plain face. maybe it's the fact that i got rid of more clothes this weekend and in doing so "found" some things i had forgotten.

whatever the reason i am ready to play & have fun. good thing i am soon moving to lala land.

FYI check out both ladies especially beth she is a feminist, body positive & queer role model and calls the nw home how cool is that!

down the sci-fi rabbit hole (NFTD #23)

as of late i have been spending my free time researching a paper on zombies, working, or zoning out to torchwood/buffy the vampire slayer. my darling shiloh friend assures me that this is the grief working it's self out in my system. all i know is that i haven't been able to write for the last two weeks and i had felt for the most part that i am slipping down a hole.

what i mean is that there is this pile of things that needs to get done and yet i have been finding my free time suddenly gone on the alter of these two shows. to top it off these tv shows are crawling with things that want to jump out at you or hide under your bed. not the usual fare for a girl prone to vivid technicolor dreams and nightmares. in general things scare the hell out of me, mostly because my creative brain takes over.

through out this process i have bemoaned the fact of writing and things not getting done in my idea of how things should get done. which in turn had set off my neurotic brain, into quires around whether or not i would actually get to los angeles and wondering if everything had fallen apart...

which lead to a phone call tonight. my dad's best friend for over forty years. he and his wife offered me their spare bedroom. what is so great is that last night i was praying and mediating about everything; fears around moving, fears around never passing the GRE and subsequently never getting into school, never being able to write anything good again, and essentially just being worthless. and then today another encouragement to move and get into school. because los angeles is where i need to be and going to school is what i need to do even if it takes some (god forbid) work that my presistance will pay off in the end. therefore as usual shiloh was right it's the grief and not my permenent state.