as of late i have been spending my free time researching a paper on zombies, working, or zoning out to torchwood/buffy the vampire slayer. my darling shiloh friend assures me that this is the grief working it's self out in my system. all i know is that i haven't been able to write for the last two weeks and i had felt for the most part that i am slipping down a hole.
what i mean is that there is this pile of things that needs to get done and yet i have been finding my free time suddenly gone on the alter of these two shows. to top it off these tv shows are crawling with things that want to jump out at you or hide under your bed. not the usual fare for a girl prone to vivid technicolor dreams and nightmares. in general things scare the hell out of me, mostly because my creative brain takes over.
through out this process i have bemoaned the fact of writing and things not getting done in my idea of how things should get done. which in turn had set off my neurotic brain, into quires around whether or not i would actually get to los angeles and wondering if everything had fallen apart...
which lead to a phone call tonight. my dad's best friend for over forty years. he and his wife offered me their spare bedroom. what is so great is that last night i was praying and mediating about everything; fears around moving, fears around never passing the GRE and subsequently never getting into school, never being able to write anything good again, and essentially just being worthless. and then today another encouragement to move and get into school. because los angeles is where i need to be and going to school is what i need to do even if it takes some (god forbid) work that my presistance will pay off in the end. therefore as usual shiloh was right it's the grief and not my permenent state.