Saturday, July 24, 2010

transitions (NFTD # 30)

in just over a month i will be packing up my car and moving down the coast. this move is the completion of a dream that has been over five years long...the dream to move to los angeles. and yet i find that i am freaking out a lot about this move...afraid that i will still feel lost and adrift even in los angeles. i think it stems from the feeling that i am some how broken and that all of the bad things that have happened in my life i have somehow created. i know this isn't true it's just my fear talking and trying to take over my trust and faith. yet isn't it funny how those voices of woe can be so powerful...they are aren't in actual reality but have this ability to cloud the TRUTH of reality. out of all the times i have hoped to make this move, it is this time everything had gelled, it works. and yet in the midst of all of this overwhelming "YES" i am still questioning whether i will be provided for when i get there. how silly is that because if everything has opened for me to move down then why would it suddenly stop opening when i get there?

but really i think that more than anything my freaking out has to do with the transition...while i like them i don't always do well with transitions. for example for two out of my three graduations i just *happened* to skip or get out of. of course i had great excuses but the reality is/was that i always feel awkward at events like these (major life changes such as weddings, baby showers, ect). i used to say that it was because i didn't like formal occasions but the older i have gotten the more i realize that it has to do with desires, hopes, and disappointments. what i mean by that is that transitional moments are things that should and need to be celebrated and commemorated, they are things that every society has some kind of means of marking. every day we change and grow but there are times when say at a wedding(commitment ceremony) where this marks a change in the life of the person, for from here on out they are now promising before others that they will make their life with this person even when it gets rough. what makes these types of things so hard for me is twofold 1. (before) but most acutely since my mother's car accident and injuries over ten years ago my family had been fragmented and therefore if it is an event for me there is a great chance that very few of my family would celebrate with me (especially if it was not convient like say in another state) and even if they did come i would be more focused on their lack of getting along that celebrating this event. or if it is for someone else this brings up the hollow place of my desire to have parents who are engaged with my life and a family that is supportive and loving in spite of their differences. 2. i don't do well being in focus...while a part of me totally wants to be valued and celebrated the dominate part wants to hide in the shadow because it is easier...which i think stems from my own self contempt or dislike...i feel bad because i am not where i think i should be in life. 3. as a single and slightly neurotic and insecure person these events end up feeling like chinese water torture because you are single and as of yet not nearly successful enough to warrant having been single this whole time! all of this leads to a push pull when it comes to celebrating transitions which in turn leads to indecision and lack of celebration which in turn makes me feel unloved because *of course* no one read my mind only my bravado attitude covering my desire and there for no marking celebration has been planned.

which is why i am learning to speak up more for what i really want, which starts with admitting what i want, and then finding someway to mark these transitions. because each step of the path is good, it leads one to their unique journey which is theirs and theirs alone. and for my next step i travel down the coast to see what, good and bad, awaits me in the city of angels.

Monday, July 19, 2010

Fear (NFTD # 29)

Tonight I was confronted again with one of the main reasons I am most scared to have children...that the world is falling apart. I don't think it is fair to bring a child into a world that is so full of violence and fear. Most likely this is because I wouldn't want to live in that. When thinking, watching, or reading something about a place filled with strife my first thought is how could you live in that and my second is that I would never want to have a child. I know the world and life are never safe nor will they ever be...but there is something deep inside me that is scouting out housing in the north pole or at least as far north as there are Canadian villages to escape to when all hell breaks loose. My best friend and I both share the belief that when it comes down to it in the threat of a totalitain government, fanatical religious government or one world power northern Canada is the safest place to be given how cold it is. Although this is countered at least by both "Watchmen" & "A Brief History of the Dead".

No matter whether or not the Northern or Southern Poles are safest given any threats, the bigger issue is that I am fearful and it ruins my present life which is really all there is. I can go for a bit of time with out thinking about all possible destruction sinarios and then something comes across my path and once again I find I am in the fear tailspin. There have been certain times in my life when I have had to cut off contact with news and people in my life because the fear based pressure was too great to even breathe. I hate this feeling the one of impending death and dread...I want to be filled with calm and focus and trust. But really I am the scared and blubbering child shaking in the corner trying to find something to make her feel safe again. And that being true how could I possibly embody a world opposite my blubbering self for a child or children to see?

Yet I think in all honesty I do...I do this every day. For as a nanny I am constantly reassuring children that there is both good and bad in the world, and even though there are bad things and people making bad choices there are still many good things in the world too. And like any good fairytale or mythic story in the end the goodness the lightness the love wins over the bad. Aslan rises up and the table cracks in half, Frodo does get the ring to safety, and Harry Potter does live. Each of these stories reminds all of us of the truth, that in the end good (truth, justice, love, mercy) all over come the bad (greed, will to power, hatred, injustice, and death).

Friday, July 16, 2010

surprising your self (NFTD #28)

i took the above photo last summer while out with my brother's on one of the hottest days in seattle. they, my brothers, are each in their own right talented photographers. i on the other hand am not known for my photographic skills i can tell you why a photo works or doesn't work but i generally find it impossible to get the image from my head to escape the camera. typically it ends up looking nothing like what i was thinking. who know's why this is especially considering the fact that the first word to escape my lips was "picture".

yet every once in a blue moon i take a photo that is not too bad. i can't say how it happens just that for that moment in time something choose to work instead or not working. maybe my brain stopped over thinking it, maybe i got in the groove, or maybe i just hit the right combination of elements needed to create a picture. looking over photos last night i saw this one and realized that the light and shadows and textures and colors all worked so well together in this photo.

it was such a surprise to see this photo that i had taken. funny how that happens sometimes where there is this thing that you really can do but something in your brain is stopping your ability to do it and then you have a moment where you are open to this blocked area and for a bit of time the light parts. similar to that moment on a cloudy and rainy day when the sun is able to find a space to come through. times that those are little blessings and gifts i want to be able to see them more easily.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

heels (NFTD #27)

ok so i just don't get high heels. every once and a while i whip out a pair in attempt to look sexy or chic and desperately try to where them all day long. yet the only heels i can manage to wear all day are my boots (mostly cowboy). and that is contrary to most incarnations of women "should" wear. in every movie i have seen in the last few days the main character if she is female is wearing heels (varying in size and length) especially if the director is wanting to emphasis her beauty. in the older film down periscope i was aware of the fact that when in dress uniform lauren holly's character (the only featured woman in the film) had the most form fitting and uncomfortable uniform which included three inch heels. tell me how is one who works in the navy suppose to walk in heels on a boat?

so why a rant about heels tonight...i think it was watching brittany murphy prance about in four inch heels tonight that made me question why this shoe was necessary? even on "what not to wear" is the heel upheld as a gift from the fashion gods. yet how many of us get more pain that benefit from our high heels? i can't tell you how many times i have heard someone say specifically about heels "well it's the price we pay for beauty"...but is it? i have yet to find (outside my aforementioned boots) a pair of heels i can last more than a few hours in. even stage heels which are suppose to be comfortable i can't seem to hack more than an hour in. and yet i keep going back hoping that some day i will find the magical set of heels that i can wear until Jesus comes back to earth and they will feel just as comfortable as my clarks, running shoes, or danskos. these mythical heels will be comfortable, sexy, and completely easy to walk in even for a klutz like me who has broken her foot not once not twice but three three times ladies and gentlemen.

alas these shoes have yet to appear...leaving me to wonder why we fall to easily to the myth of impossible and painfully uncomfortable beauty. and one parting thought how the hell could carrie from sex and the city run better in manolo blahniks than she could in tennis is with that. thank you and good night.

Monday, July 12, 2010

Camp (NFTD #26)

watching "stagedoor" this evening brought up a lot of emotions for me. it is a documentary about a famous children's theater camp in the Catskill Mountains.

the first emotions viewing brought up, were my ache and desire to preform. i haven't don't anything acting wise in over a year and longer even for musical theatre. i miss it, it was the thing that i wanted to be more than anything else all through growing up. and here at 30 finally moving to los angeles i wonder if i can ever really get back to that first love or if i am to old, to out of practice, and it is gone forever? being on stage creating a character is like nothing else. there is something so incredible about the chance to tell the story of another which becomes magically you telling your story as well. and the language and the a character you always have the right words to say even if you aren't able to say what is most true it always comes out. the chance to preform is such a lovely gift to be offered.

secondly it made me want to go back and fight harder as a child for those experiences, my mom did the whole theatre camp, massive dance and acting classes thing and didn't want to push us. wanted it to be our decision which in the end meant that i didn't get the chance to go to the few things that were offered. and then there was the accident which i am beginning to see limited more things than i realized. loosing my mom i think left me orphaned in a way that made me seek safety over adventure. where as with her around i may (or may not) have had the courage to move forward and really work towards becoming an actor, instead of just trying to tread water and survived in a f**ked up world where i can loose my mom at 19. i also found my self mad at mom for not pushing me to keep taking ballet, piano, and going to auditions and camps like stagedoor or perry mansfield where she went.

lastly i just hope that someday i will get to the place where i feel i fit, just like the kids in this movie, where i finally can say here is where i belong. this is one of the things i miss most about theatre being in a company of a group of people coming together to create something. last fall while working on a short film i was reminded of why i love and miss that kind of creative communal expression. maybe someday i can return to that even if it is not in a professional capasity.

Sunday, July 11, 2010

childhood (NFTD #25)

as a nanny one of the wonderful things that comes with the job is the chance to take the children you are watching to their various activities. this week i got to go to see the final presentation for gymnastics class. and what a delight it was. all the girls of different shapes and sizes, but what really stuck me was the lack of self consciousness they had. Unlike a room full of girls about three years older, the girls seemed still comfortable in their skin. As I watched them I looked too at the mothers, grandmothers, teachers, and other women with in the room. All of us were most likely self conscious from years of conditioning...some very evident in the way they posed their body and tugging at their clothing while taking pictures of their children. In addition one of the most coordinated, talented, graceful, and focused girls was also the heaviest child (she wasn't big but given the standards today even for children she was). It made me so happy to see these lovely girls who were unencumbered by the bullshit of beauty, at least for the three hours they were in class.

As I sat there watching them move fluidly through their routine beaming with pride at their accomplishments I wished that all women and girls could experience that kind of freedom. We get so bound up in the condemnation of the beauty myth that we become limited in our lives. At least I do...Even through out all the things I had done in my life there is always this voice in the back of my head saying things like "nothing matters if you aren't pretty, attractive, desirous to men" I walk into places apologizing for being me, for being a woman who does not fit into the narrow standard of beauty. It's funny how I can look at a woman like Beth Ditto or Gabby Sidibe, and think they are beautiful and talented but not see that same beauty in myself. I hate that this comparison and subsequent self destruction is still present in my life and the life of others. Why do we as women feel stuck no matter who we are?

When do women get the chance to embrase themselves as women and find that elusive freedom that most of us at least got a taste of in childhood? When do we allow girls to remain in that state of freedom for longer rather than push them into adulthood....or better yet when can we image to them an adulthood that carries with it that kind of childhood freedom and embrase of women of all shades shapes and colors as beautiful with something of value to offer them and the world?

I hope that if I am ever blessed with the chance to have a daughter or daughters that I will image strength, confidence and beauty and will raise them with in a community of strong men and women who love women and men well. I also desire to raise sons if I have them to love and bless women in all the beauty and wisdom they have to offer.