watching "stagedoor" this evening brought up a lot of emotions for me. it is a documentary about a famous children's theater camp in the Catskill Mountains.
the first emotions viewing brought up, were my ache and desire to preform. i haven't don't anything acting wise in over a year and longer even for musical theatre. i miss it, it was the thing that i wanted to be more than anything else all through growing up. and here at 30 finally moving to los angeles i wonder if i can ever really get back to that first love or if i am to old, to out of practice, and it is gone forever? being on stage creating a character is like nothing else. there is something so incredible about the chance to tell the story of another which becomes magically you telling your story as well. and the language and the words...as a character you always have the right words to say even if you aren't able to say what is most true it always comes out. the chance to preform is such a lovely gift to be offered.
secondly it made me want to go back and fight harder as a child for those experiences, my mom did the whole theatre camp, massive dance and acting classes thing and didn't want to push us. wanted it to be our decision which in the end meant that i didn't get the chance to go to the few things that were offered. and then there was the accident which i am beginning to see limited more things than i realized. loosing my mom i think left me orphaned in a way that made me seek safety over adventure. where as with her around i may (or may not) have had the courage to move forward and really work towards becoming an actor, instead of just trying to tread water and survived in a f**ked up world where i can loose my mom at 19. i also found my self mad at mom for not pushing me to keep taking ballet, piano, and going to auditions and camps like stagedoor or perry mansfield where she went.
lastly i just hope that someday i will get to the place where i feel i fit, just like the kids in this movie, where i finally can say here is where i belong. this is one of the things i miss most about theatre being in a company of a group of people coming together to create something. last fall while working on a short film i was reminded of why i love and miss that kind of creative communal expression. maybe someday i can return to that even if it is not in a professional capasity.