Saturday, July 24, 2010

transitions (NFTD # 30)

in just over a month i will be packing up my car and moving down the coast. this move is the completion of a dream that has been over five years long...the dream to move to los angeles. and yet i find that i am freaking out a lot about this move...afraid that i will still feel lost and adrift even in los angeles. i think it stems from the feeling that i am some how broken and that all of the bad things that have happened in my life i have somehow created. i know this isn't true it's just my fear talking and trying to take over my trust and faith. yet isn't it funny how those voices of woe can be so powerful...they are aren't in actual reality but have this ability to cloud the TRUTH of reality. out of all the times i have hoped to make this move, it is this time everything had gelled, it works. and yet in the midst of all of this overwhelming "YES" i am still questioning whether i will be provided for when i get there. how silly is that because if everything has opened for me to move down then why would it suddenly stop opening when i get there?

but really i think that more than anything my freaking out has to do with the transition...while i like them i don't always do well with transitions. for example for two out of my three graduations i just *happened* to skip or get out of. of course i had great excuses but the reality is/was that i always feel awkward at events like these (major life changes such as weddings, baby showers, ect). i used to say that it was because i didn't like formal occasions but the older i have gotten the more i realize that it has to do with desires, hopes, and disappointments. what i mean by that is that transitional moments are things that should and need to be celebrated and commemorated, they are things that every society has some kind of means of marking. every day we change and grow but there are times when say at a wedding(commitment ceremony) where this marks a change in the life of the person, for from here on out they are now promising before others that they will make their life with this person even when it gets rough. what makes these types of things so hard for me is twofold 1. (before) but most acutely since my mother's car accident and injuries over ten years ago my family had been fragmented and therefore if it is an event for me there is a great chance that very few of my family would celebrate with me (especially if it was not convient like say in another state) and even if they did come i would be more focused on their lack of getting along that celebrating this event. or if it is for someone else this brings up the hollow place of my desire to have parents who are engaged with my life and a family that is supportive and loving in spite of their differences. 2. i don't do well being in focus...while a part of me totally wants to be valued and celebrated the dominate part wants to hide in the shadow because it is easier...which i think stems from my own self contempt or dislike...i feel bad because i am not where i think i should be in life. 3. as a single and slightly neurotic and insecure person these events end up feeling like chinese water torture because you are single and as of yet not nearly successful enough to warrant having been single this whole time! all of this leads to a push pull when it comes to celebrating transitions which in turn leads to indecision and lack of celebration which in turn makes me feel unloved because *of course* no one read my mind only my bravado attitude covering my desire and there for no marking celebration has been planned.

which is why i am learning to speak up more for what i really want, which starts with admitting what i want, and then finding someway to mark these transitions. because each step of the path is good, it leads one to their unique journey which is theirs and theirs alone. and for my next step i travel down the coast to see what, good and bad, awaits me in the city of angels.

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