Thursday, September 30, 2010

waiting (NFTPL #4)

This is a week of waiting, waiting for things to come together. It is hard this waiting. I have now been in Los Angeles for a month and yet I have yet to find a job...I have had several interviews and am looking every day for work. I alway forget how hard it is to find a job. This has been true for me ever since I graduated from college before that I never had a problem finding work. The hardest thing with not having a job is that it leaves a sense of limbo, and I don't do well in limbo.

And yet it is good for me to learn how to function with in a state of limbo because we don't always get to have things the way we want them or when we want them. One would think by know that I have if nothing else master this...for years my life has not been what I expected or wanted it to be and yet I still struggle with letting go. I am good if it doesn't have to do with work or if I have enough money in my account to feel safe, then I can let go and go with the flow, but if those aren't in order then I freak out. Trusting is the root of waiting I think, trusting that God is in control and will come through even when it feels as if it won't.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Fairytale of One size fits all (NFTPL #3)

A conversation today got me thinking about the fact that there are very little if any things in life that are one size(way) fits all. Now mind you I am not talking about a laisseze faire attitude about everything in life, I do believe there are certain absolute things like the call to love others as yourself, humility and seeking justice and mercy, caring for those who are in need, ect.

But what I was hit with was the fact that so many things are not absolute or guaranteed in life yet many of us think and walk around like they are exactly that way. We expect them and act entitled and then get our feather and whatever else all ruffled when things that we thought were certain aren't for us or those we love. This happens I believe in every sphere of life...I have found it to be very common in a Christian context which I find very interesting and counter to what scripture holds to be true about God and God's way of interacting with is never the same in fact it is the antithesis of one size fits all. One of the most beautiful aspects of God's action in history is the diversity in which God chooses to act. God's action is always different, for example look at the way God chooses to in regard to Balaam via his donkey (numbers 22:28-30).

In my life I have had to learn this truth. Nothing has gone the way that I expected it to, by 19 I was essentially with out parents, and I still haven't had a job that pays well or that is something I love. And yet I have a life that is chosen uniquely for me by God, so that I can be the best light bearer that I can...offering the gifts and skills I have been given to bless others. Looking back I can see points where the light of God has made it past my failures and touched others. Continuing on this journey I hope to become more and more the person I was created to be. While I have never wanted to live a "typical life" the playing out of that has been very different than what I have expected yet instead of getting upset or angry or jealous I am choosing to embrace this as my life, because really this is the only life I get.

Friday, September 10, 2010

music videos, questions and what did i just do? (NFTPL #2)

So many things bumbling around in my head while I stare out the window and look at the beauty of the sunset...dusk here in Los Angeles is a very beautiful time of night.

As I have said before this transition is a lot harder than I thought it was going to be...I find I am daily fighting the ever present voice of doubt trying to completely throw me off kilter. Mostly this consists of reminding me of what I miss, like knowing where I am going and having people to hang out with. This little voice fails to mention the fact that I am in general better tempered here than in the gloom or that I needed to get away from the safety that comes with being too familiar with a place (not always a bad thing but it was for me). It's a funny thing missing some place that you had need to leave for sometime...I almost cried over shots of Portland in the Loretta Lynn video "Portland, Or" Maybe it is the feeling of being known and knowing that I miss so much...when at my best friend's house or out with her family I don't miss things nearly as much as when I am at my godparents or out on my own. Which would mean that my thoughts about being know are spot on. All of this aside I know in my heart when I am truly being honest that staying in the Northwest was not an option for was a resignation a releasing of hope and desire because it meant that I hadn't tried or ventured out on my own. I want a life filled with boldness, adventure, and challenge for me staying in a place that was comfortable would mean saying no to those aspects of life...I don't know how else to explain it except to know that it is true.

In addition to those clever little bits of nostalgia the darned voice keeps rolling a few lines from "Away We Go" specifically the lines "Burt are we fuck ups?" "No...what do you mean?" "I mean we...don't have this basic stuff figured out...basic like how to live...we have a cardboard window...I think we might be fuck ups." It's a sentiment I often have felt this spite of the fact that I have lived on my own since I was 18 I still feel like somehow I made all the wrong choices and will never be able to get to a place of stability or even for that matter having money in my savings account! And then everywhere you turn people are getting older, you're getting older and everyone is having babies and getting married and buying houses and getting "real jobs" and here I am living with my parent's best friends(very thankful don't think I am not) and watching what little money I have flow out of my account like an ever increasing dripping faucet and the only man who has hit on me in the last nine months was the scary drive through worker two days ago! Faced with all of that I have to I a fuck up? Granted I have three degrees and am hoping to gain at least one more and I have done well as a nanny and gotten a lot of positive encouragement from the people I have worked for but I still look at my life and feel like it resembles the first crappy apartment one gets fresh out of college that goes with the crappy job and the (if you are so blessed) weird little troll of a boyfriend. It isn't the place of a thirty something highly educated woman no, it is more (no offence for this generalization) the den of your resident pothead who is so baked all the time that eating, smoking pot, and (fill in the blank) takes every ounce of life he or she can muster. Which still makes me wonder am I a over talented over educated fuck up?

Speaking lastly of I spent sometime watching music videos online out of the ten or so I watched I found that there we only a few that were decent. Now let me say that I am of the opinion that a music video should be interesting and entertaining and that the more creative and thoughtful you are with a video the more it will stick your song in the mind of your views and fans. There have been several videos in fact that have pushed a song into greatness for me and several that have been MAJOR disappointments because the song was so great that paring it with a stupid video just made my inner artist cry and wish that I had the resources to make something better.

These are just a few of the videos that I find interesting both the panic at the disco and the decemberistis videos really sold me on the songs. I believe that music videos should tell a story just like the song the band has created tells a story...and when I am offered a three to five minute video of the band just looking pretty and singing the song I wonder why in the hell anyone bothered to spend money on a video in the first place! And while I am ranting about music videos here's another thing...I wish that instead of creating videos of only the radio friendly hits that some of the other songs on an album would get made into videos. I find that some of the most interesting songs on an album, musically and story telling wise, are often not the hit single.
Like with the movie and television industry I wish there was more good and less crap! So I end this with something good...a music video my very talented and hip brother made for our friends' band, The Quiet Ones a incredible band from Seattle, Wa, for their song " Sound of the Fog" and it features one of the guys from Blitzen Trapper (another talented band from Portland, Or)

Wednesday, September 08, 2010

Notes from the Promised Land (#1)-rest or my lack there of

I realized as I went to title this post that I needed to change the context because I am now living in the city that I have wanted to live in for the last five years, which means I am no longer in the desert/passover place. With this new setting in mind I review the new problems that arise when you get to the place you have been wanting to be and surprise surprise it has it's own little idiosyncratic elements. Like the Israelites fear of the Promise land, giants and to many people to few of them, I am confronting my own fears of busyness and in ability to rest when it is offered.

For example today, while I was able to get more writing done hurray, I also found that there is an underlying frenzy in my body and spirit because I don't have anything solidly set up for work and I haven't received the last few paychecks from my time in Oregon. And so I feel it in my body welling up in an almost obsessive need to get answers of some kind right now. So I spent a good portion of time worry and stressing about job and applying for things that aren't exactly what I would like or need because at least they are "something". This is my lack of rest coming into play..instead of getting a list of things done for the day and then calling it quits so I can rejuvenate for the next day. I compose a never ending list that makes me feel incredibly overwhelmed by it's sheer magnitude and then don't stop when by so act of grace I actually finish it. Overachiever much! My expectations for what I can and can't do are pretty whacked...for example I thought I could write a whole research paper and study for the GRE while working 50hrs a week in only a month! And the best part is that when I don't reach that self created goal I get very self contemptuous and frustrated in my failure. In all of this I disregard God and what God has said about resting. IE that rest is good and needful.

Monday, September 06, 2010

changes (NFTD #35)

I have made many changes and choices in my life. To move away from home to another state to go to college, the choice of getting a piece of permanent art on my body, where to live, where to work, whether or not i should go back to school, ect.Yet out of all the decisions I have made in the past ten years I am finding this most recent one the hardest of them all.

While wonderful and good, moving to Los Angeles has also been super hard. I feel like I am drifting a bit uncertain of what to do or where to go. When I moved back to Portland for the transition period nothing really was all that new, things and people had changed, but I had sense memories tied to so much of that city that I intrinsically knew it. The city was redressed and so was I but we were not strangers. Even though I have been down to Los Angeles at least once a year for the last four years it still seems a very strange place to me. I don't know where things are or how to get to them...I constantly and having to rely on others to know the city. This is a hard thing for someone who spent the last ten or more years knowing her home town like the back of her hand. My usually independant nature is feeling very insecure and clingy as of late. It is a odd feeling to have especially when you have wanted to live somewhere for so very long. I never thought that this transition would be the hardest one for me..I thought it would be easier than it has proven to be.

Yet in the midst of all of the transition and change and fears and what not I know that this is the place for me and that by making that choice I will be blessed and taken care of.