So many things bumbling around in my head while I stare out the window and look at the beauty of the sunset...dusk here in Los Angeles is a very beautiful time of night.
As I have said before this transition is a lot harder than I thought it was going to be...I find I am daily fighting the ever present voice of doubt trying to completely throw me off kilter. Mostly this consists of reminding me of what I miss, like knowing where I am going and having people to hang out with. This little voice fails to mention the fact that I am in general better tempered here than in the gloom or that I needed to get away from the safety that comes with being too familiar with a place (not always a bad thing but it was for me). It's a funny thing missing some place that you had need to leave for sometime...I almost cried over shots of Portland in the Loretta Lynn video "Portland, Or" Maybe it is the feeling of being known and knowing that I miss so much...when at my best friend's house or out with her family I don't miss things nearly as much as when I am at my godparents or out on my own. Which would mean that my thoughts about being know are spot on. All of this aside I know in my heart when I am truly being honest that staying in the Northwest was not an option for me...it was a resignation a releasing of hope and desire because it meant that I hadn't tried or ventured out on my own. I want a life filled with boldness, adventure, and challenge for me staying in a place that was comfortable would mean saying no to those aspects of life...I don't know how else to explain it except to know that it is true.
In addition to those clever little bits of nostalgia the darned voice keeps rolling a few lines from "Away We Go" specifically the lines "Burt are we fuck ups?" "No...what do you mean?" "I mean we...don't have this basic stuff figured out...basic like how to live...we have a cardboard window...I think we might be fuck ups." It's a sentiment I often have felt this year...in spite of the fact that I have lived on my own since I was 18 I still feel like somehow I made all the wrong choices and will never be able to get to a place of stability or even for that matter having money in my savings account! And then everywhere you turn people are getting older, you're getting older and everyone is having babies and getting married and buying houses and getting "real jobs" and here I am living with my parent's best friends(very thankful don't think I am not) and watching what little money I have flow out of my account like an ever increasing dripping faucet and the only man who has hit on me in the last nine months was the scary drive through worker two days ago! Faced with all of that I have to ask...am I a fuck up? Granted I have three degrees and am hoping to gain at least one more and I have done well as a nanny and gotten a lot of positive encouragement from the people I have worked for but I still look at my life and feel like it resembles the first crappy apartment one gets fresh out of college that goes with the crappy job and the (if you are so blessed) weird little troll of a boyfriend. It isn't the place of a thirty something highly educated woman no, it is more (no offence for this generalization) the den of your resident pothead who is so baked all the time that eating, smoking pot, and (fill in the blank) takes every ounce of life he or she can muster. Which still makes me wonder am I a over talented over educated fuck up?
Speaking lastly of talent...today I spent sometime watching music videos online out of the ten or so I watched I found that there we only a few that were decent. Now let me say that I am of the opinion that a music video should be interesting and entertaining and that the more creative and thoughtful you are with a video the more it will stick your song in the mind of your views and fans. There have been several videos in fact that have pushed a song into greatness for me and several that have been MAJOR disappointments because the song was so great that paring it with a stupid video just made my inner artist cry and wish that I had the resources to make something better.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7OYHKd-rp2c http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Abr-XWJMeu0&ob=av2n http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EnhL2aLXPf8 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Abk1jAONjw
These are just a few of the videos that I find interesting both the panic at the disco and the decemberistis videos really sold me on the songs. I believe that music videos should tell a story just like the song the band has created tells a story...and when I am offered a three to five minute video of the band just looking pretty and singing the song I wonder why in the hell anyone bothered to spend money on a video in the first place! And while I am ranting about music videos here's another thing...I wish that instead of creating videos of only the radio friendly hits that some of the other songs on an album would get made into videos. I find that some of the most interesting songs on an album, musically and story telling wise, are often not the hit single.
Like with the movie and television industry I wish there was more good and less crap! So I end this with something good...a music video my very talented and hip brother made for our friends' band, The Quiet Ones a incredible band from Seattle, Wa, for their song " Sound of the Fog" and it features one of the guys from Blitzen Trapper (another talented band from Portland, Or)