Wednesday, September 08, 2010

Notes from the Promised Land (#1)-rest or my lack there of

I realized as I went to title this post that I needed to change the context because I am now living in the city that I have wanted to live in for the last five years, which means I am no longer in the desert/passover place. With this new setting in mind I review the new problems that arise when you get to the place you have been wanting to be and surprise surprise it has it's own little idiosyncratic elements. Like the Israelites fear of the Promise land, giants and to many people to few of them, I am confronting my own fears of busyness and in ability to rest when it is offered.

For example today, while I was able to get more writing done hurray, I also found that there is an underlying frenzy in my body and spirit because I don't have anything solidly set up for work and I haven't received the last few paychecks from my time in Oregon. And so I feel it in my body welling up in an almost obsessive need to get answers of some kind right now. So I spent a good portion of time worry and stressing about job and applying for things that aren't exactly what I would like or need because at least they are "something". This is my lack of rest coming into play..instead of getting a list of things done for the day and then calling it quits so I can rejuvenate for the next day. I compose a never ending list that makes me feel incredibly overwhelmed by it's sheer magnitude and then don't stop when by so act of grace I actually finish it. Overachiever much! My expectations for what I can and can't do are pretty whacked...for example I thought I could write a whole research paper and study for the GRE while working 50hrs a week in only a month! And the best part is that when I don't reach that self created goal I get very self contemptuous and frustrated in my failure. In all of this I disregard God and what God has said about resting. IE that rest is good and needful.

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