Saturday, November 06, 2010

No More Control (NFTPL #10)

I have issues with control...well really I have issues with trust. I find it really hard to believe that people will actually follow through with what they say they will do (well there are a few people that I trust for the most part). Anytime I have something important that relies on another person I internally freak out a bit. I'm not exactly sure how this whole issue came about especially considering that I have been acting since I was little and anyone who have been to a play knows that it is all about trusting that the other person will show up but yet here I am in my early thirties and scared that people will unintentionally screw me over. More than anything my lack of trust I think is rooted in a spiritual issue, for much of the last seventeen or more years I have questioned whether or not God is trust worthy. From an early age growing up in a church environment I was told that God was good and trust worthy...yet I also from that same young age experienced family members becoming very sick, friends from pre and elementary school dying or their parents dying, and my Mom having a miscarriage at 6mth a long. As I entered my teenage years the weight of these instanced coupled with more trama watered the question of God's trust worthiness...it took until my second year of graduate school for me to maybe believe that God was for me and not against me.

Since then, especially with in the last twelve months, I have grown in leaps and bounds in my willingness to trust God and others. Enter two incidents and I find my delicate trust begin to slip a bit. The first being that after three weeks I am still waiting for my last recommendation which is the last bit of my application for my next graduate program...part of me know's that my former professor will get it in because he said he would but another dark and worried voice is afraid he won't. Each morning I wake up and have to give this over to God trusting that God's timing is perfect and my vision is limited. The good voice in my head says things like "it's God wanting to be showy and bring it in with a big POW". Second incident is that my temp nanny position ends this friday and that means I am out of work, and since the last conversation I had with them was that they wanted me to stay through at least january I had taken a breather from looking and applying for work. This meant that currently I didn't have any interviews lined up.

Now given these two things I could freak out and make my self sick with worry or I can say ok God you are good and for me and I trust you help me in my lack of trust. The latter is what I am choosing to do, especially since I had two lovely friends remind me that God has always provided when I needed work and that they both are blessed through hearing how God shows up for me...it encourages them to trust too.

1 comment:

Shiloh said...

Wow. thank you for your vulnerability!