I have spent most of my life not getting the things that I wanted. I can remember a few instances for Christmas or birthdays getting that one thing that I really really wanted to get, but mostly it was the things that I kind of wanted but would have eventually gotten for my self. This not getting what I wanted was specifically acute in regard to dating relationships...all through high school and college the guys who liked me were never the boys that I was interested in dating. For most of my life I have thought that God was out to get me or that I had some how done something so horribly wrong that I was only good enough for cast off crumbs...you know like the tennis shoes you get for christmas that you need but aren't the incredible Frye boots that you had been lusting after all year? I believed to my core that if ever I deeply wanted something that there was absolutely no chance at all that I would have it.
Over the last several years God had been trying to change this perspective...hitting me over the head a few times until I get that God is good and REALLY does want the best for me. This changing view has been acutely evidenced over the last few months, specifically since doors started opening for me to move down to Los Angeles. I have found while living in this process that if I let go, breath, do what I need to do, and trust that God will take care of me and bring blessings. One of those provisions of God's blessings came yesterday in my inbox. The last year has been about applying and preparing for a secondary Master's degree. At first I thought it was going to be attending Claremont Graduate School for an MA in Cultural Studies & Media...yet over the course of this year it has change to finishing a larger theology degree at Fuller Theological School and going on to get a Phd in Theology and Art from Fuller. I had sent in my application at the end of October and had everything but one recommendation in by the first week in November...the final piece came in the thursday before Thanksgiving and I was pretty sure I wouldn't hear anything until next week sometime. But wednesday morning as I was going over the plan for the day with Shiloh and checking my email there was a letter in my inbox from Fuller. I had been admitted into the program...this lead to a furry of phone calls, text messages, & emails letting everyone know...and yet all day Shiloh kept asking me if I was excited because I was pretty much my usual temperment with an added layer of stress. I found it hard to just stay in the moment of "Yay" I got into school but instead immediately was thinking a head to scheduling, funding, ect.
Reflecting on this as I drove to work early this morning, I realized that I haven't developed the ability yet to just be happy when I am given something that I really wanted and have asked God to provide. I am more comfortable with disappointment than I am with the gift of getting.What was more acute to this reflection was the fact that in so many ways getting into school was something that I knew with a decent amount of certainty was going to happen there was absolutely no reason I would not be admitted. So then given the certainty of God's provision I freak out I wondered how much I will try to dispell joy when I am given something I really desire and think is impossible...such as a relationship with someone I actually like or a job that is in my field and passion? How great is my inhability to hold joy and thankfulness for God's gifts, will I try to destroy that just so that I can remove the discomfort that being given abundance and blessing brings? I hope and believe that I am being offered little things so that with each one I can learn better how to live in blessing so that when those HUGE wants and desires of my heart are presented I don't completely destroy or run away from the beautiful gift. I also hope that in the midst of this journey I learn to see blessing, joy and learn to bless even when everything sucks and light feels like it is left forever...I hope that as I seek to further my skills, talents, and education that I also further grow in relationship to the God who seeks to bless and love all of God's GOOD creation.