Tuesday, December 07, 2010

musings (NFTPL # random insert)

just some random musings about life...

i am finding that the more "real" school becomes the more i disassociate from the reality of it. i start taking graduate classes again in less than a month yet i find that more than anything i have this desire to bury my head in the sand. then i feel guilty for disassociating and it gets all wonky in my head. isn't it so very funny how when you want something badly and worry and stress about it and then *pow* it's there in front of you suddenly that thing you wanted becomes something to stress over for other reasons. or at least that is what happens to me....god help the next man i date!

in other news it's been a week since i was with anyone under the age of 23 and...i am missing being around children and babies. which is weird because after eight years of working in child care i am constantly worried that if i continue to spend my life raising other people's children that i really won't want any of my own. recently though i have found this buried desire for children jumping out of my heart at the weirdest places, like just now while watching a music video i was suddenly over come by the desire to have children of my own, well that and the desire to have children with a man who can play guitar well (is hopefully a musician) and at the least has good taste in music. often when i am struck with this desire full on i feel the need to erase and remove the desire. i think that comes from the twofold fact that 1) i still have at least five years of school left on my plate and b) the more glaring reality which is that i haven't had a serious relationship nor met anyone i would want to have said serious relationship with in many many moons. so the whole wanting a child thing becomes a sad and fearful thing in it's seeming impossibility.

lastly, while i miss the snuggling down that come from a north west winter wonderland...i love the fact that there is no snow in my future and that the heaviest form out outerwear i need is a sweater or my leather jacket! oh los angeles you make me so very happy.

and here ends my random thoughts

No comments: