i find that i keep coming back to this central desire in my life...the need to be chosen and seen as unique and lovely, specifically in regard to relationships. it's seems so silly to say and yet it keep rearing it's head when i am not looking blindsiding me with the full weight of feeling unlovely and unwanted. today i found myself once again wrestling with the need and desire. sure this must have something to do with my father, the fact i never went to prom, the lack of a long term relationship, and the history of some very unhealthy and destructive relationships during college. yes yes all of those elements along with my own self hatred and insecurity have been the tools used to create this obscene presence in my heart and mind.
does it really matter part of me wonders, why this is here but rather what matters most is that it is here this sculpture of gaping need. it is that evil voice in the back of my mind sitting poised to crush any wayward notion of hope. today driving in traffic on the 10 with brmc on the i-pod and shiloh taking a nap in the passenger seat i found my heart swelling with anger and grief over the damage that i have both allowed and been party too that made me think i was nothing and worthy of nothing. all those voices that have invalidated my intuition and said that to be chosen was not for me..."no, no you are the servant girl, the best friend, this is not your story." some how i was made to believe that i don't get to live the princess, brave strong woman's story. one of my favorite lines in the christmas movie "the holiday" is when the kind old screen writer tells kate winslet that she needs to live her life as the lead in her story not the supporting role. i often feel that i have done nothing with my life, especially today when none of my previous graduate credits transfer into the new program, i have three degrees and a lot of debt but not much else. as more and more friends go on to fall in love and have relationships, get married and have children...i find that i feel even younger and inexperienced that i all ready do. some how in my brain the relationships, career, children route feels like real life and in contrast mine feels empty and unstated.
i know and fully admit, drunk or sober, that i bought the whole fairytale life of marriage and children and proms and college sweethearts, mind you it wasn't all i wanted but i figured it was just what happens...something that lands in your lap and you don't have to do much work to get it because that's just the way life works. boy was i wrong! it doesn't even appear, at least not in my world, relationships were more like the rare and hard to find truffle (which by the way tasted like ass after all the hard work) and i was ill prepared with a child sized plastic shovel. oh and then there is the pesky manner of my own self protection in the guise of a sign that reads "what the hell do you want, who do you really want to talk to, and (best of all) don't F**K with me" even as i type the words of my well worn signs that evil little voice trills over and over "but if you were really worth it those signs wouldn't matter..." in the end i feel broken and childish and way to young and old for my own good...but most of all tired of being alone and waiting and waiting and waiting for someone who never seems to come and the final nail in the coffin i am just way to damned suborn to just take anything...my secret heart wants magic and fairytale and fireworks because i deserve it...i think.
honestly, i want someone who challenges me, who believe in God, and is cute and talented in his own way. or at least a nice substitute for a while who happens to be a great kisser among other things.