i start school again three weeks from tomorrow, while i am excited and up for the challenge of it, i find myself thinking about how different my life is that then life that i had wanted. even six months ago i would have been awestruck to hear that i would be attending seminary again, it just wasn't on my radar. i have never really felt like a theologian or felt the need to be a pastor ( a pastor's wife maybe but only when a cute and interesting man was involved) from the time i can remember all i ever wanted to be was a professional artist. yet here i find my self going back to study theology, granted i am working on an emphasis of art and cultural, but in the end i am studying and working with people who want to for the most part be pastors and work in christian organizations and that just isn't where my heart is. it's weird good but weird...i don't seem to understand why i keep ending up in this conundrum. for the most part nobody but me seems surprised by this course from the outside perspective it seems to make a lot of sense, and yet so often when i have prayed and sat with these choices i have felt that i was being told that this path leads me back to being able to act and create art, God hasn't forgotten those desires it's just that the timing is different than i expected it.
which i can understand even now looking back at my life i can see how if i hadn't been at spu when the accident happened how easy it would have been for me to go off the deep end...seeking various forms of mental and emotional obliteration. when i was younger i was not as solid in my self and easily would have lost myself in all the alluring temptations of college (sex, drugs, alcohol and rock-n-roll)...maybe it was something that my subconscious mind knew and that is why i chose to attend the only christian school i had applied to. not that there wasn't things going on there...but unlike many of the public or non-religious school that my friends went to, activities at spu had to be hidden because we did have a morality clause. for me the fact that i had a choice to engage in activities or not was really helpful in finding balance. i did break several of the clauses but i also did it in a very safe and controlled spaces with people i could trust instead of constantly encountering all of these things without a place of safety and escape. at times i have regretted the fact that i didn't have certain experiences or make certain choices, yet i also know that fundamentally i am practical and think about the implications of said choices. i mean it's hard to justify say sleeping with someone you just met at a party when you brain is ticking off all the possible diseases they might be carrying not to mention the fact that while birth control is 99% effective that it is only that percentage effective when used properly and i can say based on other experienced that most of the time drunk people are not going to be able to effectively use much of anything that is smaller than a breadbox and even then it's risky.
in addition i find that during this time i am so overwhelmed by the blessings and provisions that have been offered and bestowed upon me. i feel so filled with thankfulness and gratitude that my heart at times feels as if it will hurts!
it will be interesting to see what comes next on this journey.