Tuesday, January 11, 2011

slowing keeping my head up (nftpl #23)

i have over committed my life...seriously i can't believe it. 12hrs of class plus at least ten hours of reading and then 23hrs of work a week. it is so hard not to turn in on myself hating the reasonable choices that lead to this stress. i keep coming back to why did i do this to myself...which then take up the brain space i have to study and get things done. which in turns make me question why i am back studying theology again because i am faced with elements of this kind of study that are more challenging to me...ie trying to understand the logic of ancient texts and then write clearly about them.

as i talked with a dear friend last night while i know being here is good it's hard to continually be in a space where you don't quite fit. i so often feel like i stand in between the theological world and the art world but don't really fit in either space. i find the longing of my heart is to be in both places and out of both places at once. as i begin to explore that space i get bogged down by the voice that yells at me that i am never satisfied because there is so much that my heart desires...and i often feel so flighty in myself about my interests and passions. but as my dear roommate often reminds me, i don't really have a clear picture of myself or my abilities. i guess i need to become comfortable in this space of grey or in between because this is where i seem to end up.

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