breathing deeply i am reminded to be still and listen...something i have forgotten to take time to do since i got back from las vegas. so many things have been pushing their way up clamoring to be given audience since the trip. sending off the video treatment and seeing one of my favorite bands play twice last week became the catalyst to naming one of my deepest heart's longings. for years i have given lip service to the fact that i want to be an artist but i was too bound by circumstances and fear to step towards that desire in a real and concrete way. ever since i moved to los angeles opportunities and participation in creative process has just fallen into my lap. tonight my friend beth said that's because i am in the space where i am called to be and flourish. i think she's right. over the last few weeks i have found my self wrestling pretty heavily with what does it mean to create and live in the specific artistic rhythm?
for one this means that i will end up with a master of art and theology not a master of divinity. i could stay and get this degree but when i think about who and what i want to be in my life it is just me being stubborn by staying in this path. it also means that i make creativity central to my day to day life. much like exercise for the physically body which i am also trying to do, i need to exercise my artistic ability. writing, painting, sculpting, what have you is a vital part of my emotional, spiritual, and mental stability. jumping off the cliff is both a beautiful and scary step of faith. it is the call to wait for answers and live in the tension of not having them...to learn that painting and creating open up space for me to let go of chaos. the act of creation quells some of the demons and ghosts that often yell at me. i find that i am learning about what is truly my own desires and wants...not clouded by the expectations of others.