Wednesday, February 23, 2011

(NFTPL #33)

can't seem to focus these last few days which sucks when i have so much work to do in the next three weeks before the quarter is over. yet nothing seems to connect or stick in my mind. i find the more i study faith and learn about the background of faith the more i question what i really believe and how i can claim these things as truth. in the midst of this personal questioning comes what seems like the beginning of the end on a global scale (or at least horrific moments)....something i have been terrified of since childhood. these rumblings and threats of war and damnation make it hard to find space to think about life or movement or even questioning...rather i find myself questioning the point of doing anything. once again i wrestle with the belief that God is both good and seemingly sadistic. how and why are constantly on my heart and hope begins to feel strangled by fear and doubt and depression. but when i come up through the thrashing waves my prayers are filled with calls for staidness and miraculous interactions personally and globally. please please please falls from my lips in a consistant flow of calling and begging. maybe it's the fatalism of having had your world shattered...often i catch my self waiting for the next shoe to drop even though i want more than anything for it not to.

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