Sunday, February 13, 2011

reversing the lies we hold only for ourselves (NFTPL #29)

I was told yesterday by a wise friend that our self hatred/insecurity is another form of self centeredness that gets in the way of our needed action in the world. What she meant by this was that we are all called to a unique and beautiful path that is our own, made for you just as you are right now in the skin and knowledge and talent and passion and desire you carry. That youness is enough for God to create such incredibleness out if we listen and live into that particularity. It is when we try to conform to the path of another or the look, weight, talent, image of another person that we fall off of our path and become disheartened. YOU and I are just as beautiful, wanted, talented, gifted now as if whatever our idealized dream self....the only "real"difference? Self acceptance, trust and learning who you are and how you best function in the world.

This is one of the lessons I am learning being here in Los to love myself as I am and let that confidence of knowing who I am, what I offer and how I specifically am called to function in this world. You see I have this magically ability to "hide" in a suddenly make my self absent while still remaining in the room. I've been told it's like a bright light going out. Yet while this was a needed skill as a has greatly hindered me from being myself as an adult. Instead of learning how to lead and becoming more comfortable with myself as a woman, leader, artist, and especially as a sexual being I hid away. In hiding I became bound in a need for control and care taking binding up the wild and bold woman I am with fear. I think so much of my insecurity is fettered by fear of being made fun of, exposer, shamed, and looking stupid. Instead of living as I was created, by engaging and reveling in the beauty and heart ache of life, I keep myself at a distance as the observer. Slowly I am taking steps into the waters of engagement and maybe some day soon I will take the plunge and jump right in released from fears.

My heart so desperately want all beauty, people, and life to get what it means to see broadly and wonderfully how diversity is filled with treasures for anyone willing to see the deeper truth. I want all of us to stop hating ourselves our pasts or whatever it is that keeps us from entering into all that we have been created for.

1 comment:

Mike and Annie said...

this was great to read, Jess. I am proud of you and want you to know that I think you're so brave. We heard this in church today, which has saturated my thoughts for now: We cannot love others until we love ourselves. We cannot love ourselves until we truly believe that the one who knows us best is the one who loves us most.
miss you, sweet friend. love you!