Thursday, February 03, 2011
taking down the "flagel" sign (NFTPL#26)
tonight i listened to a talk on the need for vonerablity...something that i have a hard time being with most people. sure there is a small cars worth of reasons why i don't like to expose myself to others in that way but mostly it boils down to fear and shame. being not a small woman i have spent a lifetime trying to void situations that would heighten my fear of being shamed. for example i over think everything i wear and at times don't wear things i love because of my fear that i will be shamed for wearing something that is sexy or emphasis' the curves i have...so instead i play it safe. it also means that by being bound up in trying to do everything just so that i squelch my emotions...having also the lovely need to be tough and not cry which really doesn't work so well, at least when i was in my last graduate program. what that meant was everytime i had to read or share something that connected to my heart, almost everything because i feel deeply under all the control, i would start crying the minute i opened my mouth to speak. in those moments while i was embaressed for crying so much i was actually serving myself because i was being honest with how i truly felt...just like currently i am a bit mad at someone but instead of pushing down the anger i am allowing it to sit there and it is slowly disapaiting. but the best part was that by allowing my self the vonerablity even to myself to feel it helped me realize where the emotion came from and that it was tied to something more core...shame and fear of my desire being exposed only to be rejected. which while it sounds bad is really quite a great thing. i feel like inspite of the hurt if given the chance i will risk again and be open even to someone who unintentionally hurt my feelings, instead of my usual mo which is to through up a defensive "don't f**k" with me sign acompanied by a lovely "piss off" i don't need this sign. all and all i think i am growing.