Sunday, February 27, 2011

waiting for word... (NFTPL # 37)

time seems to running both exceedingly fast and inexcusably slowly right now. in less than three weeks my first quarter in my second graduate program will be over and a week after that we begin shooting our first video project. all of this is fabulously exciting, nerve racking and wonderful...it's also hard to sit in the waiting for these things to come. while we are madly dashing around to get everything in order for the shoot and i am madly dashing around to finish school work (well really stressing my self out by waiting in the last minute to finish things really), we are also waiting to get the official yes or no in regard to the song which inspired this whole project. often i sit amazed that we are so close to seeing this idea we had last october become enfleshed and seared onto celluloid! then i freak out with all the wondering of how can we do possibly do justice to the grand and beautiful vision Shiloh and I had so long ago? on top of that there is the fear that somehow, in spite of all the evidence that God is truly present in this endeavor and guiding us to the people who we know with knowledge greater than our own, that we will screw it up somehow. i think this is my perpetual fear that at some point i will be found to be the foolish and unclear person i feel inside...it happens every time i walk on stage or turn in a paper or sell a painting that fear that says i will be found out for the fake i am.
yet i don't believe that's how life or God works. i believe that we are all endowed by God with gifting and skills even if they are raw and yet unhoned and that all most people need to become the great and incredible creative that they are is to have a chance...for someone to bet on their vision. sometimes this needs to be offered more than once but i do believe in the faithfulness of risk and the offering of blessing if for no other reason that the willingness to put one's self out there time and time again. and so i wait and ponder what has happened to bring this beautiful moment of waiting...it's the adventure of a present before you rip off the wrapping paper or that feeling just before the cute man kisses you. i get to sit in the wonder before the conferment.

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