Wednesday, March 23, 2011

sense memories

why is it that sense memories can be so real and connected that they actually change your body chemistry transporting you to another time and place. sometimes the memory can pull you back into a cosy moment with a lover or friend, remind you of the sunset on a beach in hawaii when you were seven or a lovely time with friends enjoying each others company and laughing until you couldn't breath. but there is also a dark side to sense memory, i find that often when i come back to the city where i was raised, that my sense memory kicks in and i am entombed with the mounting self hatred, sorrow, and depression that i have suffered from since young childhood. it is most irritating when you have been so happy and solid living somewhere else with sunshine and light and then wham the dark whispers start culminating into a extremely powerful punch to the gut at full force. i hate this! often i wish i could erase all of theses hounding ghosts and start afresh but then i realize that much like the characters in "eternal sunshine of the spotless mind" i would risk loosing the good memories with the bad. so being the soul that i am i would rather have the bad with the good than have no good at all.

what bothers me is that i can't seem to find the root of this torrent, the only thing i know is that since at least six years of age i have suffered from a great sense of melancholy and sorrow. even in joyful times part of my brain runs off into crazy land where everything shouts that i have no purpose or value because i am a worthless fuck-up. to have to manage normal thoughts and attempt sanity during this deluge is a nightmare. last night as i was driving back to my parents with rain running down the windows i had a nice little chat with God about the whole thing. i said ok God i can't keep doing this i need some space and freedom from these little dark creatures raking the hell out of my tenuous grip on self love...please help! then after a furry of texts to my best friend...and reading her encouraging words, i started breathing and recounting all of the incredible things that have happened over the last year. like the fact that after several years of working and wanting to live in los angeles i actually do, like taking a bold step and finally following through on a major project instead of throwing in the towel before it is finished, like taking the time to breath and create and see beauty in my self and others, there are so many great things that have happened over the last year because i moved beyond something that could have stopped me dead in my tracks but didn't. i'm still fighting those dark bastards but today i am more aware of light again (which is pretty cool given it is freakin' cold and overcast here)... plus the chance to see good friends has been lovely.

Saturday, March 12, 2011

fitting in (NFTPL#42)

this evening we went to one of the opening night parties for los angeles fashion see a band play. what was interesting was that as much as i love fashion and art the only crowd there that didn't feel snobby or pretentious were the people who were there to see the bands play. i love great art of all kinds but i am finding that the more and more i get out to events the more i feel like the music scene (dyi/indie) is so less stuck up than the other "art scenes" here in town. whenever i am at a concert, especially those with a great and loving fanbase, the massive amount of self-centerdness that many people think is so "LA" seems lost and forgotten. yes there are snobby and insecure people in every crowd...hell isn't that why most people are snobby, they are so afraid of not being cool that they look down on others to balance out the sharp fear that really they are the ones who don't belong. we met this really cool couple outside as while getting some air. the incredibly sweet and cool emily scott, and  her new husband hayden, who was actually the drummer for the band we had come to see. hanging out with emily was totally cool...yah emily!

over all the night rocked because we met cool and lovely people, i had a yummy mixed drink, which was not so happy the next morning, and got to see the black ryder play a good show for free. granted it was fashion week so there were these super bothersome photographers in everyone's faces but over all it was nice to go see a band i love and bliss out for an hour in the midst of school and project chaos. while i have been going to live concerts for ages and LOVE to be in that  spiritual and connective space, i think the only exception was a band of horses show at the showbox in seattle where literally every possible lame drunken slightly off kilter person who thinks getting into a fight with another drunken stranger is ok concert etiquette was in attendance leading to a very distracted concert experience, with that exception i have yet to go to a show where i don't feel some kind of spiritual connection and sense of "yes" this is where i belong. maybe it has to do with my proclivity for being attracted to musicians but whatever the reason i feel a sense of fitting in and belonging in the music circles even though i can't play my guitar and would be terrified to sing in front of other people. in spite of my lacking musical skills and my fears of singing in public the music community still feels like "my kind of people".

this is a picture of *most* of the talented and fantastic members of the black was taken the night of the show.

Tuesday, March 08, 2011

(NFTPL #41)

just finished reading a narrative which is about a character encountering Jesus...i find that as much as i try to escape the call of God in my life that i am constantly brought back into that call. there are many reasons through out my life which could lead to a loss of faith and belief. i truly understand the reasons that many i love cannot see past the damage and bullshit done in the name of God to see God. yet i have found that in the moments and times and spaces where i get to the place of wanting to chuck all belief out the window and walk away that something calls me back. i am reminded that those incarnation are others images and created idols of God, for lack of a better word, and not the God that i experience. i am the first to admit how much, even with training and thinking and reading, i don't understand God i don't hear Jesus well and i don't often feel at home in the confines and communities of faith. yet i also know that in spite of all the chaos and questions and doubts i cannot escape the reality that Jesus is true that there is something unique that happens in the cross and resurrection of Jesus...something sacred that changes the whole perception of life. i can see markedness in those who think they have walked away, i see the wailing call to see the face and experience Jesus from those who claim not to believe. in my ownself i feel the desire and tension of wanting and not yet understanding how to be in relationship with a living wild active dynamic and risen Jesus. but i know my heart wants to have that shift...yet i am afraid. i fear the loss of my being and self in relationship to God and in relationship to men, the abuse victim in me is still afraid, afraid that to allow another, God or man, in is to offer up my whole isness to be eaten and abused. but i keep coming back to God even though i am racked with fear...because i can't image how life would go outside of God and if the theology that i believe in my mind is true then i am not outside of the grace of God....i wish for a blanket to wrap up those of us so damaged by people and seek that we may have such a powerful encounter with God who is not the God of man flawed creation that we will be unable to walk away from LOVE and it's call on a cross in a garbage dump.

Monday, March 07, 2011

love love love for spiritual guide (of sorts) (NFTPL #40)

I love reading people's random questions and responses online...ian ottaway is one of those people who when he responds to a question makes me infinitely happy. ian act's as spiritual tech support (and possible acquirer of drugs take that as you will) on one of the sites i read frequently. given the fact that the only face to face encounter i have had with ian was sweet i have to assume that he is at least in part how i experienced him via that interaction as well as from reading his posts. after a show a few weeks ago he came up and chatted briefly with shiloh and i and complemented us both in a totally non sleazy and deeply sincere way, to which i say sweet man.

so here is his response to a question about music...but what i love most about his response is that he speaks to the need for artists (of all varieties) to be collaborative and help each other. which as an artist made my heart jump for joy!!! for most of us struggling artists all we really need is for someone to reach out and offer us a chance to show what we can do...we need someone a bit ahead to hold the door open so to speak. all the artist communities that i have been apart of over the last ten or more years have taught me that championing and collaboration are marks of a community not a city or a town, while there are certain places that tend toward an ethos that is more geared for this like olympia and portland, or both of which are "dyi" based communities, it really comes down to finding and creating community with like minded artists who hold a similar view on support and creation. but really it comes down to another artist further along the path giving and offering space for another to have, as shiloh says "the chance to play, man". given where we are at in our film project i know the absolute need to have someone take a risk on your work...trusting that you will not abuse that support (which we won't) or undermine what they have created...but instead calling them to remember what their first gallery show, concert, play, film, painting ect was like and extending grace to you out of that remembrance.

here is ian's post taken from

I wanted to know from your viewpoint, “What would you like to see in music and musicians today”? Are they missing some kind of element while making music or are they just lazy?

- Kristen Fisher

I don’t listen to all that much of Today’s music, you’re more likely to find me burning to Howlin’ Wolf at 3 in the morning Kristen, but there are quite a few things I am really excited by these days. I like the fact that quite a few bands are championing other bands and supporting each other. In some circles it’s quite a caring community. Instead of pure ego, id and self importance, it’s becoming more of an “Us” instead of a ”Me” kind of vibe. I also like the fact some of these bands also suss out painters, photographers, artist of all different composits and give them the chance to shine and expand their name and work. Keep your eyes peeled for the works of Nina Pratchios in the future…

I dig that Nick Cave extracted himself from his modus operandi and created another band called Grinderman, that bring back a lot of the energy and spirit of Iggy and the stooges. Mr. Cave is another person who is reaching out and supporting other artist. He has always supported his friend John Hillcoat the film director, Mr. Cave has also been the Meltdown festival’s curator and brought Nina Simone back out to shine just before she died, so younger people could get familiarized with her genius. An exceptional artist named Ilinca Hopfner sent Mr. Cave a video she created and he took her on and had her create much of the visuals for Grinderman’s 2nd record. My point is that I really support great artist that support other artist…this town is big enough for all of us, so to speak. A lot of people tend to forget that a Mr. Ian Astbury of the cult was one of the first to unite many artist at a gig way back called “The Gathering of the Tribes”. I also give thanks to Mr. Anton of the BJM for giving us the band Dead Skeletons.

Last but not least I love when bands shine a light on good causes and to bring awareness. I love the fact that B.R.M.C. support the Not for Sale campaign to end modern day slavery and put a stop to human trafficking. The late and great Elliott Smith gave when he could to help raise awareness for child abuse. I wish more bands would come forth and help the homeless and donate more to Indian rezervations. There are so many good causes and helping others only makes us more human, it only makes our spirits truer. Rock and Roll is much more than feeding your own soul and riding on the waves of electricity…it’s about unity and it’s about where we’ve been, what we’ve seen and where we are all going. Rock and Roll is true Love and nourishment on many many levels.

Cheers Kristen


Saturday, March 05, 2011

running off into the desert ...(NFTPL #39)

today seems like a good day to take a vacation from life...most likely it's all the stress that's cornering me. whatever the reason there is a major part of me that wants to do something incredibly stupid and irresponsible right now, yet it's the stress talking. rilo kiley has this great line on one of the songs off "the execution of all things" that goes something like this..."i think i'll go out and embarrass myself by getting drunk and falling down in the street." there is something about that line that calls forth images or drunken nights filled with philosophical musings, laughter, great music. cigarette smoke, and being at the beach or the desert. the only thing missing on those occasions for me is a nice man to curl up with at the end of the night! so many of my best memories over the last few years have been being out with friends in a slight haze of seeing some wonderful band or hanging out eating good food drinking good wine or liquor and just being. i love those moments because the world feels so surreal and real all at once.

my heart is aching for some of that escapist space...i don't know why but for the last week and a half there has been this little hankering for a trip to the desert filled with musings and drunken quandaries. it must be a sense of homesickness or something...or my own version of wanderlust coming out. maybe it's the need for clarity which comes in those moments or the desire to have something that feels real.

Friday, March 04, 2011

random friend love

tooling through facebook and checking out friends posts i came across some great posts by my friend tucker who's an incredible artist, mdiv holder and all around cool person. i love the stuff he and other friends from mhgs post reminding me that there are more voices than the ones i currently hear in class. but that's not the only reason i wanted to shout for joy at my talented and brave friends...tucker is one of about six friends of mine with two or more children under the age of five. the coolest thing about all of these friends is that almost all of them had their children while going to graduate school and they all are great parents. as a nanny who has worked with many families and children as well as being, at least right in this moment, a single person who constantly questions whether or not i want to have children if the chance arises* i am in awe of my friends who choose to do! raising children in such a great and weighty task and i am so inspired by those who choose to take it on.

*granted i haven't had a relationship that lasted more than two date since CLINTON (Bill) was in office so the chance of my having children or having to worry about having children is a pretty far reality for me...yet as i know via friends babies happen and one has to know what they think about having babies before they happen.

and it just gets weirder still (NFTPL #38)

i am starting to think that bold acts of faith sometime appear like the mystical side of an acid trip where the most oddly and connected occurrences start to happen...i would not be floored at this point if spirits started walking out of the walls or something. no wait that would be a bit much since the heaviest substance i imbibe, besides the inner recesses of my mind, are vodka and wine with an occasional beer thrown in for good measure. this morning i find myself confronted with the reality of seeing a vision growing more and more real. as does often happen with visions as they cross out of the invisible world through the thin places into the visible world, the seer begins to question their reality. well they the seer begins to question whether or not they are sane or insane. as this has become a now daily occurrence for me i just look at my wrist and remember that i chose to walk in boldly and wildly out of faith and that choice often looks like insanity. another by product of all this risk is that again like drug use one ends up with moments of endless clarity about things that have been raping and pillaging the corners of your brain for far to long. in the midst of my "crazy" moments over the last week i have become acutely aware of how much for sanity's sake i need to have constant creativity built into my daily/weekly rhythms. to not create means a kind of zombie status for me. and that my friends is worse than have questionable sanity and moments of acute clarity where weird and odd cohesions of improbabilities make sense.