Tuesday, March 08, 2011
just finished reading a narrative which is about a character encountering Jesus...i find that as much as i try to escape the call of God in my life that i am constantly brought back into that call. there are many reasons through out my life which could lead to a loss of faith and belief. i truly understand the reasons that many i love cannot see past the damage and bullshit done in the name of God to see God. yet i have found that in the moments and times and spaces where i get to the place of wanting to chuck all belief out the window and walk away that something calls me back. i am reminded that those incarnation are others images and created idols of God, for lack of a better word, and not the God that i experience. i am the first to admit how much, even with training and thinking and reading, i don't understand God i don't hear Jesus well and i don't often feel at home in the confines and communities of faith. yet i also know that in spite of all the chaos and questions and doubts i cannot escape the reality that Jesus is true that there is something unique that happens in the cross and resurrection of Jesus...something sacred that changes the whole perception of life. i can see markedness in those who think they have walked away, i see the wailing call to see the face and experience Jesus from those who claim not to believe. in my ownself i feel the desire and tension of wanting and not yet understanding how to be in relationship with a living wild active dynamic and risen Jesus. but i know my heart wants to have that shift...yet i am afraid. i fear the loss of my being and self in relationship to God and in relationship to men, the abuse victim in me is still afraid, afraid that to allow another, God or man, in is to offer up my whole isness to be eaten and abused. but i keep coming back to God even though i am racked with fear...because i can't image how life would go outside of God and if the theology that i believe in my mind is true then i am not outside of the grace of God....i wish for a blanket to wrap up those of us so damaged by people and seek that we may have such a powerful encounter with God who is not the God of man flawed creation that we will be unable to walk away from LOVE and it's call on a cross in a garbage dump.