Wednesday, March 23, 2011

sense memories

why is it that sense memories can be so real and connected that they actually change your body chemistry transporting you to another time and place. sometimes the memory can pull you back into a cosy moment with a lover or friend, remind you of the sunset on a beach in hawaii when you were seven or a lovely time with friends enjoying each others company and laughing until you couldn't breath. but there is also a dark side to sense memory, i find that often when i come back to the city where i was raised, that my sense memory kicks in and i am entombed with the mounting self hatred, sorrow, and depression that i have suffered from since young childhood. it is most irritating when you have been so happy and solid living somewhere else with sunshine and light and then wham the dark whispers start culminating into a extremely powerful punch to the gut at full force. i hate this! often i wish i could erase all of theses hounding ghosts and start afresh but then i realize that much like the characters in "eternal sunshine of the spotless mind" i would risk loosing the good memories with the bad. so being the soul that i am i would rather have the bad with the good than have no good at all.

what bothers me is that i can't seem to find the root of this torrent, the only thing i know is that since at least six years of age i have suffered from a great sense of melancholy and sorrow. even in joyful times part of my brain runs off into crazy land where everything shouts that i have no purpose or value because i am a worthless fuck-up. to have to manage normal thoughts and attempt sanity during this deluge is a nightmare. last night as i was driving back to my parents with rain running down the windows i had a nice little chat with God about the whole thing. i said ok God i can't keep doing this i need some space and freedom from these little dark creatures raking the hell out of my tenuous grip on self love...please help! then after a furry of texts to my best friend...and reading her encouraging words, i started breathing and recounting all of the incredible things that have happened over the last year. like the fact that after several years of working and wanting to live in los angeles i actually do, like taking a bold step and finally following through on a major project instead of throwing in the towel before it is finished, like taking the time to breath and create and see beauty in my self and others, there are so many great things that have happened over the last year because i moved beyond something that could have stopped me dead in my tracks but didn't. i'm still fighting those dark bastards but today i am more aware of light again (which is pretty cool given it is freakin' cold and overcast here)... plus the chance to see good friends has been lovely.

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