for the last year or so i have been making choices to better myself and love who i am not matter what...part of this process was to move away from seattle and end up in los angeles. which i did eight months ago. in addition to the move i have been moving forward into living my life as an artist, specifically in the areas of film making, sculpting, painting and maybe music (thanks to emily scott). in the realm of personal progression i have been changing my diet and becoming aware of the foods that don't work with my physical make up (specifically dairy, sugar, and most grains) and which ones do (veggies, meat, soy, fruit, corn) as well as learning more about taking better care of my appearance...so that i can wake up most mornings and say "i like me"...working on the "and you should too damn it!" part of the equation.
reading life and fashion blogs by women of various shapes and sizes that upholds a broad sense of what beauty is has also been a space of healing....which leads to the thoughts of this post. on two of five blogs i read consistently, a good portion of the women post tasteful nude photos or pinup style photos of themselves to affirm the fact that women of all shapes and sizes are beautiful, attractive and sexy. this idea reminds me of a film i saw a few years ago called "difigured" the story of which is about two women and their friendship...a plus size woman and an anorexic...what was most impactful about the movie for me, beyond the attempt to address body issues, was the fact that the sex scene was with the plus size woman. it was the first time i had EVER seen a film that featured REAL people expression sexuality and desire in that manner! so often most of us are shamed because our bodies don't fit into the narrow incarnation of what some asshole in some office looking down on the world deemed to be beautiful. and like lambs to the slaughter we all follow this fools negation of the broad and dynamic beauty in which the first creator designed and named as good! for various reasons we have been shamed into thinking that our bodies and bodiedness is bad...i could go off on this but won't let's just say that the greeks had a major part in this split between the body and the spirit and leave it at that for now.
what strikes me is that as an artist there is something about natural forms of the body that i find interesting and freeing. when looking at older painters and sculptures there are so many incarnations of women who has weight and diversity to their physical form. while we were in las vegas, the land of tits and ass and exploitation (outside of the little nest here), i was impressed by all the "grecian" styled statues which held this more classical view of the body. some of my favorite pieces of art are well done nude photographs or painting. yet as a woman and a former bulimic i have spent along time hating my own body railing against it...while also crushing the desire to be wanted, to have someone come a long and love what i saw as unlovable. i honestly could not answer the question, "what do you love about your self?" when men would show interest i would wonder which of my friends they were wanting to get to because of course they couldn't see me as anything more than a friend. this has been my flawed vision i see everyone around me as beautiful and capable of greatness but not myself...hell i'd be that person who is saving everyone else while drowning.
over the course of the changes this year God has been working to offer me a different vision when it comes to how i see me. what that means is that i have needed to get in touch with who i am and what i want, instead of hiding it under the rug and hoping that when i pull it back in spring cleaning the fixing fairy will have come and made the repairs with out me having to deal with it. funny how that doesn't happen, instead i get to walk through my fears, to speak out the desire and fear that i bear in regard to me and who i am in relationship to others. as two of my best friends often says i get to "romance and fall in love with jessi". i am thinking that part of that process included becoming comfortable with my body in all it's naked glory...it means creating art that images the beauty of my unique form...it means being secure when the times comes to be naked with a lovely man, instead of fearing his disappointment....above all else it means that i will be able to yell from the roof tops that i am a wild, vibrant, talented, sexy, desirable, creative, attractive, smart, and wise woman who is uniquely gifted having much to offer to the world and those around her. and at some point being naked just might be a sign of freedom instead of mounting dread.