there are tears sitting on the back of my eyes waiting to get out...i realized that once again i can loose someone i love. as i lay there i thought about anne lamott who's book "all new people" i had just finished reading and how much loss she has suffered, her parents, lovers, friends and how she still moves forwards fulling risking her heart and loving God in her beautiful and honest way. i am so scared to loose more people i care about and love, yet i also don't want to be closed off to the incredible things love have to offer. as i write i think about my sage friend who loves well, has suffered great loss and continues to not only seek love and life but also encourages, in his own way, others to risk for love and life as well. there is something of Jesus in the choice to risk love with the possibility of loss...it is in a sense the dying to one's self. the self that is so scared of being hurt and left with a gaping hole that they don't even allow the person who goes into that hole to enter....love and intimacy is a risky bet, one where in the end there is always losses but like joy davision lewis said to her husband c.s. lewis "the joy now is part of the pain later".