Monday, April 11, 2011

loving and it's cost..(NFTPL #46)

there are tears sitting on the back of my eyes waiting to get out...i realized that once again i can loose someone i love. as i lay there i thought about anne lamott who's book "all new people" i had just finished reading and how much loss she has suffered, her parents, lovers, friends and how she still moves forwards fulling risking her heart and loving God in her beautiful and honest way. i am so scared to loose more people i care about and love, yet i also don't want to be closed off to the incredible things love have to offer. as i write i think about my sage friend who loves well, has suffered great loss and continues to not only seek love and life but also encourages, in his own way, others to risk for love and life as well. there is something of Jesus in the choice to risk love with the possibility of loss...it is in a sense the dying to one's self. the self that is so scared of being hurt and left with a gaping hole that they don't even allow the person who goes into that hole to enter....love and intimacy is a risky bet, one where in the end there is always losses but like joy davision lewis said to her husband c.s. lewis "the joy now is part of the pain later".

lewis in his life took both approaches to love and loss, the first time he choose to close himself off to hurt, the second he choose to love even while knowing that death would bear his heart away with in a small amount of time because what he would have for that time was so tender and needed. even when it comes in the guise of a flower that blooms only for a brief moment and then is gone love is worth the cost...i remember as a child of six sitting on the playground bearing the weight of loss. my mother had miscarried my new baby sister six months into the pregnancy...even so young i was stabbed to the quick by the pain and ache of loss...even to this day twenty five years later i remember the sorrow of my child's heart. and yet i wonder if that is based in my own personal battle with dispare and loss...whatever the reason i know that risk for love is worthy and beautiful and in spite of my fears i can't imagine not loving and the gap that would exist in my life without it.

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