Tuesday, May 31, 2011

oh honey...what were you thinking

some days i just don't understand fashion and what gets passed off as fashionable...today is one of those days. we spent the weekend just outside of las vegas, which from my two experiences, is often the seat of "what were you thinking" fashion. honestly after a day here shiloh said she feels the need to straiten her hair and dye it blond where as i feel the need to find something exceeding low-cut and tightly fitted. surprisingly i haven't seen that many bad outfits this time around most likely because we haven't spent much time in on the strip, in fact it has actually been the fashion and body positive sites that i read that have been racked with bad fashion choices today. i just don't understand why....

 i mean i get the need to be creative with ones clothing and the choice to let it be a space of artistic expression but bad fashion much like bad tattoos, of which i have also seen to many here in las vegas, just don't make sense to me. in regard to both but especially ink i feel that one should take A LOT of care and thought into just how well that tweety bird or "go lakers" or "thug girl" tramp stamp tat is going to express the essence you in about 15-40 yrs. now i know there are those that say even if not the ideal tat later in life it is a reminder of a different person you were in a different season while i get that i still personally don't ever want a tattoo that i totally regret.  for each of the tattoos i have, i spent at least a year thinking over exactly what i wanted and where and why...even so i still question the placement of my first tattoo. as i think and ponder and save up the money for my next one, thanks phil nellis for designing it, i am spending time contemplating where on my body i want this beautiful art to live until my body rots away.

clothing is a bit different in the sense that it can change, not being permanently seared to your skin like a tattoo, but still i have to question why people thought such and such was a great idea to wear out to their son's little league game. i my self have changed my fashion senses a million times over, looking back at certain pictures i have to ask myself the same question "what the hell was i thinking" and then i write if off as my cowboy phase, gangster rap phase (both covering 8th-9th grade), or well it was the pacific northwest in the early 90's who wasn't effected by grunge? even in the last year and a half as a result of moving from seattle to los angeles via a seven month stop-over in portland my sense of style and clothing  has changed. in part because what one wears for three months in seattle is what one wears year round in los angeles and vice versa. i guess i just want everyone to not only feel incredible about how they look but to actually LOOK incredible as well and when someone puts on something that doesn't flatter their body or their beauty it makes me really sad...mostly because it is one of my fears.

Monday, May 23, 2011

some poeticness or wanton writing

i feel the need to open up myself and create a space for you. i want to wrap your broken black winged heart in my love and shower you with care. to touch your scars, listen intently to each story they reveal and then kiss their hardness away. for so long you have wandered the lone gun slinger roaming a desert filled with loss...you think that forever is an impossibility for you and yet in spite of all the battles warred, won and lost, you sir still in the deepest hole of your heart believe in the reality of fairytales. you are more honest about even that than i. as much as i want so badly to be the fairytale princess, i have to wonder if i believe in them at all. how can i offer what i don't believe in to you or anyone else? but i do so badly want to offer you that gift whatever possible gift i can give to you. i watch as you spill your heart for the care and betterment of others and wonder if you are ever given the same in return? in my secret heart i hope that my childish scribblings are something that can at least touch your sweet and tender heart. more than anything i want to give you light and lightness, maybe some day...

is it really a person i want to heal or is it me? i get so far down the path of health and then i find a massive wall. out flies all the dark and wanton voices of evil yelling their tapes of hate, created years ago.  even though i know their words are lies and smoke screen misdirections, the arrows and blades still have invisible teeth. i would rather be branded with an end in sight than sit in this massive space of unknown. my deepest heart is the desire to be marked for another...to be sealed for ever with the heart-strings of another. but that is not my path it would be to easy not requiring the growth that i need, so instead i wait until the fateful meeting with love for my branding marks to rise....today here and how i am called to risk and wait. i am called to search and journey...to seek high and low. isn't it funny how the thing that you most desire often is the thing that you most run from? ever since i can remember i have looked to see who's i am. i have spent much of my life prematurely offering my tender heart to those who it was never meant for. now i find myself becoming more of myself and yet still screaming and wailing for the other half....like the platonic view of people; we are separated from our other half and search the world to find it.  i have the fool hardy memory of a fish thinking each time around the bowl that it will look different and encounter another. but alas it seems to be the same damn fish bowl. nothing changes even as i change and grow! hope calls me with her tender whisper saying it's coming...you're coming to the place of vibrancy, where your chosen one will shine.

 my heart is filled with curiosities about your history and journeys...so many words and inquisitors roll around my tongue. but i must admit i want to not only heal but to become a muse to your creative spirit. to be the cause of the instigation of your entrance into your call again. but more that i want to inspire beauty that is hidden in you the gentleness beyond the verbose and outrageous. already you and the packs art and presence have caught my wanton spirit driving her back to the studio...for birthing creative acts is what breaths ruach and life. and being the earth-mother that i am, i want to spill that creative breath onto you to grow creative life in you.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

ranting thoughts

i wish that i believed the words of my friend...that we just need to make room and a new love will enter into our lives. why is it that i endlessly believe in true love, crazy love and madly wild happiness for everyone in my life but me? it is the same belief that all of my female friends have the ability to walk into a room and turn heads but my place is in the dark shadows at the back of the bar. happiness in love is that thing that happens to other people but somehow missed me in the blessings of life. like the way having a mother did after i turned 19 some how that just wasn't in the cards for me.

yet i still find my self hoping with each turning corner and new encounter that i am wrong. that there will be a man who sees beauty and can read my heart clearly and doesn't run away from it. what is the saying that insanity is doing the same thing but expecting different results. that's how liking and loving always feels to me...insanity. right now my interest in another feels like insanity and stupidity all rolled up into one.  even when he is a man who sees beauty in most if not all women i find that gift of sight as the weapon for self flagellation that i turn against my desire. i'm caught between the desire to be wanted and love and lavished and needed and the desire to duck and run before i am even seen.

i fear that i am not enough... i fear this in my friendships too. that there is something inherently wrong with me and in the end it will mean i am left alone. even writing those words i see how much i am marked by early childhood where parents and loved ones die and loss happens. somehow i didn't find enough joy to hold on to during the dark and scary parts...so now as an adult i am trying to find what i was not offered as a child. and so i have days and nights like now where fear takes the reigns and steers the show for a while. depression and loss sit heavy. then i am reminded that a year ago today my grandfather died...my mother's, who i have lost most of, father finally gave into the ghost and found peace. and that was a reminder of the fissures and cracks in my family...the shattering of my mom's accident. in one moment i lost so much. and then the anger sets in because with all this loss and shattering i wasn't given a lover. i still almost twelve years later am still alone...i still don't have another to  bury my heart and tears in when the cloud of darkness take hold and hijack my heart and brain. there exists not arms to rock me to sleep. and i am angry because of that gaping hole.

i am angry because i feel, i know totally selfish but true, that given the awful loss and pain i have encountered that i deserve a relationship, a partner, a lover, some compensation for all that has been taken away. but that isn't how it works....we were created for relationships and we NEVER deserve them they are gifts and must be treated as such. but my five year old heart has a hard time understanding this, all she knows is that she is tired of not being someones that she wants someone to hold her and want  her more than anyone else....she wants to be chosen. that isn't a bad thing it's what we all truly want but she can't throw a tantrum to get it....instead she has to keep walking forward and risking and not allowing her jealousy and fear take control. most of all she needs to know that she is worthy of being chosen dirt stains and chaos and ache and all....she is a beautiful women who has much to give and much to receive in the path of love and that her wild man advice giving friend is right love will come along she just needs to allow it an entry point.

Monday, May 16, 2011

do you have a sign sir...are you already paid for?

taken signs seem to cover everything i want right now...i feel like every time i decide that openness is a good way for me to live some kind of taken sign sits up and hits me over the head. i spent most of my life believing that when this happens it's a sign from God saying "you're screwed, don't bother" now i don't believe that falseness but i also still don't know how to deal with the taken marker. even if they are quite possibly in my head, the signs feel real.  i feel like a person in a gallery exhibit with an endless account of love but all the painting that i want to purchase have a saved or prepaid marking on them. i keep looking around wondering where the hell is mine! the man or men (instead of a painting) who bears my name and is marked already for me....i often wonder if that is the path for all but me, to be marked and held for another. so because of my questioning whether or not there is someone there for me...i get all weird about desire....i yell both come here now sir i want to take you to bed this very moment and in the same breath what the hell are you doing here sir when i know you can't be here for me....it's the come and go conundrum.

 the thing is i don't deal well with desire, my usual mo is to dodge the feelings and head to the darkest part of the bar. when there i sit sucking down liquor and cigarettes wondering why no one comes over to talk (because they can't freaking see me...which somehow is their fault). currently this evening i am kicking myself over my attraction to someone because i can't handle just being interested in them. which is totally ironic because i also get frustrated when people aren't honest about their own desire.

really does it matter if there is seemingly a large flashing neon "TAKEN" sign? because either they are or they aren't and my expressing, experiencing and living into desire is a good thing no matter what even when it feels like slamming my tender just baked glass heart against a brick wall. yet here's my heart and here is the possible wall and here i am walking forward.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

randomness and thoughts (NFTPL #50)

first of all i don't know why but many mystics (sitting in class listening to a lecture on russian mysticism) seem to forget that food was created by God to bring you life...instead they limit what they eat or eat weird things like grass...i don't understand or maybe i'm just not that holy. i remember the first time in college i read catherine of sienna who just plain quit eating, and thinking how stupid it was that she did that and called it God. maybe it's my own issues with eating disorders or the friends i have who have struggled with food as well but it bothers me greatly when one is considered holy in part because they willingly spurn food. i understand mentally the reasons people do this but emotionally it just frustrates the hell out of me.

secondly, somewhat in the vein of mysticism i have been contemplating the various ways and means that people encounter God and the spiritual aspects of life...many of my favorite writers on spirituality and faith are those who take an artistic or mystical approach to faith. i love how in these people there is a wonder to life and the things that sprinkle life, one doesn't need to know how things happen just that they do and our job as it were it to be in right relationship with God, ourselves and others (including all of creation). i love that reverence to the mysterious...it is akin to how one of my ex's, who grew up and became a pastor, talked about his understanding of faith and evolution. he would say all i need to know is that God created the world it doesn't change my faith how God created.  as one who wades through the murky waters of faith and doubts i love people who remind me of what is truly important...trust in God's love and action on behalf of what God created out of love. the whole of all things created were created out of love, out of the most central desire for love and relationship....that is key. that is why i have such a hard time with people who profess christian faith but spew out hatred theirs and God's for creation and the whole of life. yes i understand things are broken, my mother is one of the living reminders of how awfully broken things are, but it was not created to be broken and brokenness is the byproduct of broken relationships between each other, creation and God. which in my view is something that God and ourselves should weep over not celebrate...

i remember several years ago sitting with one of my best friends as she was trying to decide whether or not to go through with her unexpected pregnancy. it was in that moment that i realized i could just as easily be in her shoes facing that choice, but it was rather the thought that came after that effected how i looked a people from then on. in that moment as i sat with her and pondered how i would deal with this struggle (she in the end chose to have my beautiful godson) that i realized i was selfish enough at that time in my life to choose not to have a child. for me that would have been a selfish choice a. because i know so many friends and family who have wanted a child so badly and were unable to have one knowing this how could i not choose to at least bear a child and give them to someone who wanted one and 2. it was my selfishness in having spent my twenties as a nanny raising other people's children because it was easier than stepping out and doing what i loved that would have lead to the choice of an abortion if i had been placed in that situation. after seeing that reality in myself i always catch myself before making judgements on choices other people make...in that moment i realized that we all are broken and screwed up and face horrible choices all the time and do the best we can. this is why i have faith because grace, love and relationships are so very important. in my often outside the norm view of christian faith i see the place where these things can dance together and God is not the sadistic one of my childhood who calls me and then bars my path...God is not the preacher that says come and then demands payment. rather God is the one sitting with me crying over the idea that one should be killed because of who they love, grieving the hatred of people for those who live next door to them because 500 yrs ago or more their great x100 grandparents had a broken relationship.

in the end i find that i seek to understand grace in the midst of all of this craziness and that how i experience faith, love and God will be different from others.

Saturday, May 07, 2011

the thing about answers....

today we received the final say from the band we have been speaking with for the last three month in regard to a video project we created and executed...it was a no with a nice caveat of please keep in touch for the possibility of working on other projects. so finally after three months of creation, stress, prayer, hope, doubt, and all the other swirling emotions, shiloh and i have an answer. now we move forward, our incredibly talented friend is going to allow us to use his music as the soundtrack to this video (soon we will be posting a link to where you can view our baby), and we will move on to the next project. so we shot for the moon and our aim ended up being a little bit off course...next time we will make a point of getting a better aim before we pull the trigger. as we both keep reminding ourselves the fact that we finished the project and got this far with the band, this being our first foray into film and videos, is pretty incredible. ever since we began this process people and opportunities have just been appearing...if this is what was needed to kick things into gear then, awesome i'm ready to jump off the cliff again!

here's the thing that i have been mulling over all day long in my futile attempts to process my emotions about the band's response while simultaneously celebrating one of my "moms", while there is absolutely something that sucks massively about getting a answer that isn't the one you were hoping for there is also blessing in having that finality. let me explain, i have had several relationships that were major relationships that for one reason or another just ended without a clear break to them...leaving me with many aspects and things unsaid. having all of that unstated and dealt with baggage made it harder to move beyond those relationships. this is because to heal i have to create a finality to them and create a resolution where none was and so it took a lot longer for me to be able to heal. that is one of the best things about answers, getting one allows the healing to happen. besides the stubborn part of me is like ok how do we create something to blow their socks off next time? how do we make something that impresses someone who grew up around film and has a very specific eye while still bring our unique view and perspective to the project. it's my "damn it i'm good, just give me a freakin' chance" response.

as i look back at this process and forward to others i realize how lucky and blessed i am to do this now....for years i have wanted to create in various forms and now finally the elements that needed to come together in and outside my life have. dreams and visions i have had for over ten years have become
a reality, and that is the real answer the one to long ago prayers and questions.

Tuesday, May 03, 2011

death you shouldn't be~ thoughts on holy week

death for me is not "sweet aya i want to kiss you til they're all gone" (not that i don't love this song or the man who sings it or even the idea of coming to terms with death* see note below) rather death is that thing that has stalked me from childhood taking those i love away from me. she is waiting every time i sit in my car or step into an elevator or fly in an airplane. i see her hiding in the broken body of my father in the trips to the doctor with my best friend and in my mother who has been deeply marked and changed by her near escape from death. i do not mean to be morbid but in light of this holy week and events surrounding it, i find that death has been on my mind.

what strikes me is the fact that death isn't natural...it is this thing that was never meant to be and yet has entered into the world because of our brokenness and pain. it is the manifestation of the relational bifrication that has happened. i believe this is why we hate the idea of death it's that thing that we all have to experience and yet know that it isn't really suppose to be ours. it shouldn't be and yet here we are having to bumble through it. sometimes death, like the death of a bad relationship, can be a good thing. i know for me the death of my life in seattle was the catalyst that finally got me to move to los angeles and the LIFE that was mine, yet i also still ache and bear the scars of those who i have loved dearly who have died, and those relationships which were cherished and yet needed to be removed for various reasons. and so when she comes snooping close i find that i just want to hit lady death over the head and throw rocks at her until she leaves.

as a child growing up i had this overwhelming fear of death (in part because of being asked if i was willing to die for Jesus-really people NOT a valid question for a five year old-but that is for another time...in therapy) i was especially afraid of being tortuously killed and of my family all being killed and i would be left. i remember many times trying desperately to fall asleep in the car or wanting to just drive all night because i could see everyone and we were all close. ironically the place i felt safest in as a child became the space of great loss at a teenage...the car. and so death plays tricks and does a bate and switch.  

while death is not natural i must come to terms with her...and so i think this must be why one is called to in part partake in the sacrament of communion and why also we go through the cycle of death during holy week. for two days we sit at the foot of the cross, bearing the uncertainty of the first holy week, the one you have followed and loved is gone forever it seems and the world has gone black and dark and demonic with his loss...but then there is easter and light breaks forth like the man coming out of the cave in plato. yet the journey the darkness is part of the light...as lewis says the joy now is part of the pain later. and so it is with death the sorrow of loss and death now is what makes recreation and restoration of the whole of creation so sweet when it happens.

*one of my FAVORITE parts of both the graphic novel and film V for vendetta is the rain/baptism scene where evie finally is released from her fear of death and in turn is given life....it seems so much like the early idea of baptism in the christian church...that one is freed from the fear of death to be able to live life fully to be free to live a vibrant life no longer marked by a fear of death because you have already faced death and died*

the bane of waiting (NFTPL #49)

we are in the final stages of waiting, waiting to receive a final answer about this project that shiloh and i have spent so much time and energy working on. easter morning we sent in the final cut of our video and as of thursday the band had yet to see the footage (we know this because we ran into two of the three band members at a show last thursday and shiloh introduced herself and talked to them).  so here we are waiting...it sucks this waiting, it eats at your heart tearing at your hope with doubts and fear. every day you are required to remind yourself what the truth of what you have been called to is. when waiting whether for a birth, an offer, a lover, a answer whatever you are specifically called to wait for you are called to live into  hope without a tangible shred to hold on to...so as my old pastor used to say...you must preach the truth to your self to remind God of what God has promised and revealed to you. when it comes, as it will come, it may not look like what you had envisioned it to be but it is the promised truth to which you have been called to hope for. at least that is what i tell myself in theses days of radio silence.

my darling friend beth imaged waiting like cooking stew you have to throw the ingredient into the pot for a while and let them come together to sit there and well stew...because who wants to eat uncooked meat and raw veggies and spices and beer. i mean really separately it's good but not cooked just sitting there in the pot yuck!  and that's why it needs to stew and that's why sometimes we have to wait...because if we didn't whatever it is we are waiting for would come out like uncooked stew.

Sunday, May 01, 2011

why failing statistics isn't always bad...

i realize just a moment ago that writing something off because of a statistic impossibility is completely counter to the life i have been offered.  that's like writing something off because it seems impossible.... yet impossible things happen all the time, that is the wonder and beauty of life. the impossible-possible is when beauty and truth break through the thin places as the celts would call it, the space where the veil between the tangible and intangible is nonexistent, these are the places where transcendence happens.

i basically failed statistics in college, granted it was the week my grandmother was dying and had been the shittiest of years, but i honestly passed the class with a d. yet i find that so often when i am afraid and want something badly i "run the statistics and probability" of it in my head as a way of cutting off desire. it usually goes something like this...statistically it is improbable that any of these men will be interested in me, statistically it's improbable that out of all the people auditioning for this part that i will get it, statistically it is unlikely that they will accept me in this graduate program and so the self doubt hidden in statics rings in my head.

but that's not how God works, that's not how the wonderful and unique aspects of life work. as i said earlier it is actually counter to a life lived in full embrace of God life and others. Because statistics say that we should not have shot for the moon on our first film project where as God and life says of course you should shoot for the moon and if you miss you still learned how to better aim for the moon and better yet the sun next time around! God says here go to this concert in vegas or at a fashion show there are important people there that you need to meet. it's the call of love to something great that voice that causes you not only to think of your friend when you see a pack of parliament cigarettes on the side of the street but to call her and say i was thinking of you. it's the Spirit moving through your heart that says your friend half way across the country is sad send him this book and a piece of art. these are just not things that can be rated or quantitated by statistical analysis, because they are the things of creation and spirit and connection and love. i think too often we get wrapped up in things like the statistical element or the probability element or the rational element and forget that " the best sign of life after death is the (beauty) in life before death" to quote my edwin macmanus. we are called to LIVE life vibrantly and wildly our of our care for love and truth and beauty.

i find when i get fixated on whether or not something is statistically possible or probable i limit my own ability to encounter the mystical the impossible and the simple moments of transcendence as well as those gifts of vision and life which God is offering because my perspective is now limited by what is perceived as possible.

as my dear friend beth said last weekend if all things are possible with the creativity of God then just the act of stepping into something helps it to become birthed into the world...we have the capacity for so much more than we allow ourselves to experience. when we walk in a space of bold openness to the possible impossible it's amazing what explodes out of that.

so tonight i relish in my failure of a class because it teaches me that the impossible and the transcendent are so much more visible when i am not bound by the probability of them alighting into my life.