Monday, May 16, 2011

do you have a sign sir...are you already paid for?

taken signs seem to cover everything i want right now...i feel like every time i decide that openness is a good way for me to live some kind of taken sign sits up and hits me over the head. i spent most of my life believing that when this happens it's a sign from God saying "you're screwed, don't bother" now i don't believe that falseness but i also still don't know how to deal with the taken marker. even if they are quite possibly in my head, the signs feel real.  i feel like a person in a gallery exhibit with an endless account of love but all the painting that i want to purchase have a saved or prepaid marking on them. i keep looking around wondering where the hell is mine! the man or men (instead of a painting) who bears my name and is marked already for me....i often wonder if that is the path for all but me, to be marked and held for another. so because of my questioning whether or not there is someone there for me...i get all weird about desire....i yell both come here now sir i want to take you to bed this very moment and in the same breath what the hell are you doing here sir when i know you can't be here for me....it's the come and go conundrum.

 the thing is i don't deal well with desire, my usual mo is to dodge the feelings and head to the darkest part of the bar. when there i sit sucking down liquor and cigarettes wondering why no one comes over to talk (because they can't freaking see me...which somehow is their fault). currently this evening i am kicking myself over my attraction to someone because i can't handle just being interested in them. which is totally ironic because i also get frustrated when people aren't honest about their own desire.

really does it matter if there is seemingly a large flashing neon "TAKEN" sign? because either they are or they aren't and my expressing, experiencing and living into desire is a good thing no matter what even when it feels like slamming my tender just baked glass heart against a brick wall. yet here's my heart and here is the possible wall and here i am walking forward.

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