Tuesday, May 17, 2011

ranting thoughts

i wish that i believed the words of my friend...that we just need to make room and a new love will enter into our lives. why is it that i endlessly believe in true love, crazy love and madly wild happiness for everyone in my life but me? it is the same belief that all of my female friends have the ability to walk into a room and turn heads but my place is in the dark shadows at the back of the bar. happiness in love is that thing that happens to other people but somehow missed me in the blessings of life. like the way having a mother did after i turned 19 some how that just wasn't in the cards for me.

yet i still find my self hoping with each turning corner and new encounter that i am wrong. that there will be a man who sees beauty and can read my heart clearly and doesn't run away from it. what is the saying that insanity is doing the same thing but expecting different results. that's how liking and loving always feels to me...insanity. right now my interest in another feels like insanity and stupidity all rolled up into one.  even when he is a man who sees beauty in most if not all women i find that gift of sight as the weapon for self flagellation that i turn against my desire. i'm caught between the desire to be wanted and love and lavished and needed and the desire to duck and run before i am even seen.

i fear that i am not enough... i fear this in my friendships too. that there is something inherently wrong with me and in the end it will mean i am left alone. even writing those words i see how much i am marked by early childhood where parents and loved ones die and loss happens. somehow i didn't find enough joy to hold on to during the dark and scary parts...so now as an adult i am trying to find what i was not offered as a child. and so i have days and nights like now where fear takes the reigns and steers the show for a while. depression and loss sit heavy. then i am reminded that a year ago today my grandfather died...my mother's, who i have lost most of, father finally gave into the ghost and found peace. and that was a reminder of the fissures and cracks in my family...the shattering of my mom's accident. in one moment i lost so much. and then the anger sets in because with all this loss and shattering i wasn't given a lover. i still almost twelve years later am still alone...i still don't have another to  bury my heart and tears in when the cloud of darkness take hold and hijack my heart and brain. there exists not arms to rock me to sleep. and i am angry because of that gaping hole.

i am angry because i feel, i know totally selfish but true, that given the awful loss and pain i have encountered that i deserve a relationship, a partner, a lover, some compensation for all that has been taken away. but that isn't how it works....we were created for relationships and we NEVER deserve them they are gifts and must be treated as such. but my five year old heart has a hard time understanding this, all she knows is that she is tired of not being someones that she wants someone to hold her and want  her more than anyone else....she wants to be chosen. that isn't a bad thing it's what we all truly want but she can't throw a tantrum to get it....instead she has to keep walking forward and risking and not allowing her jealousy and fear take control. most of all she needs to know that she is worthy of being chosen dirt stains and chaos and ache and all....she is a beautiful women who has much to give and much to receive in the path of love and that her wild man advice giving friend is right love will come along she just needs to allow it an entry point.

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