Tuesday, June 21, 2011

it is not right...(NFTPL #51)

so last night i began summer classes with looking at genesis 1-3. since i have taken old testament classes in previous educational institutions much of the class was review and things that i pretty much have covered six times over....yes i do know what it means to have a hermeneutical/interpretive perspective and what communication between writer/reader/text looks like.

it seemed funny to me that so many of the people around me hadn't heard of the gilgamesh epic and were amazed that people used scripture for harming others and disregarded the call of love. in turn i had forgotten that there are those who hold the biblical text as the only means of God's self revelation to the world to the extent that the actual tangible books becomes an idolic talisman. not that there isn't power in scripture...it is a weapon (as gary oldman's character says in "the book of eli") but it also offers life and freedom, rather it is the power behind the words the truth revealed through the stories, histories, poetry and letters that have power to change nations, hearts and lives.

anyway what stood out in this repetition of previous courses...no rather what was clearly a reminder of human nature was genesis 2:7 "it is not good for (man) human to be alone" even with God's unmediated presence and all the animals and the spiritual beings in eden the place specifically and uniquely created for humanity....there was loneliness (there was pain too but that is for another rant). we humans from the core of our nature, and i would say from the core of our bearing the image of God, are hardwired for community for relationship for connection with others.

this truth of human nature is a beautiful and horrific truth. people and relationships can and do both restore us and shatter us. for the tender and big of heart the loss of a loved one can be that which destroys all hope in life and love...on the flip side a grand and incredible love can redeem one from the pit of death. as c.s. lewis the writer of the chronicles of narnia said in regard to his choice to love and marry joy davidson lewis; "Why love, if losing hurts so much? I have no answers anymore: only the life I have lived. Twice in that life I've been given the choice: as a boy and as a man. The boy chose safety, the man chooses suffering. The pain now is part of the happiness then. That's the deal. " 

we each have to choose whether or not to risk the suffering because it is worth the happiness. given the experiences and great losses in my life so far i could easily lock my heart away and choose the safety found in the known pain of aloneness. but what i have found is that aloneness while seeming safe actually hurts more, it is a dull but steady pain, slowly eating away at hope and faith like a cancer. where as the risk to relationship to love to possible hurt can be a sharp and unbearable pain counter balanced by the blinding warmth and unfathomable touch of love and deep knowing. yes both hurt and yes both suck and yes the pain of aloneness and the pain of love can drive one mad ass crazy and leave you feeling so fucking chaotic that things like death and suicide seem like the right decision...but i think that the choice to love, the risk of opening yourself up is truly the most beautiful and wild and most human risk one can take.

if i speak in the tongues of men and of angel but have not love,  i am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. and if i have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if i have all faith so as to remove mountains, but have not love, i am nothing. if i give away all i have, and if i deliver my body up to be burned, but have not love i gain nothing. (1 corinthians 13:1-4)

i choose love, i choose to care about and for people who will break my heart because they also will bless me and shower me with beauty and truth....pain is always part of the joy. and so i will risk pain for the blessing of joy and i will hold on like jacob wrestling with the angel until i receive the blessing for which i have been created and promised.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

musings (NFTPL # random insert)

you speak through smoke signals and sex and rock n' roll
i speak in books, and music, and words
you love like a blue burning flame and i am volcanic burning roses
we each are filled with sparks of the divine

i am bound too tightly. caged in by reason, fear and practicality fighting for freedom with my wild running rock n roll heart
you on the other hand fly completely unfettered and yet are tender-hearted and deeply affected, weighted by all that you see.

your presence inundates me like the waves in their tidal rhythms,
you flood my shores and then retreat back to the ocean depths.
i run like a steady stream or river to the ocean filled to the brim with creativity and need.

together for a moment we weave melodies and rhythms
like a holy tapestry telling a story greater than each of our own.
spirit and breath exchanged back and forth in a telekinetic transfere

now i sit waiting to see what comes next like a boat sitting in the still sea i wait for the next move of this dance to find out which way the headwinds will move me.

Saturday, June 11, 2011

i didn't want in your stupid club house anyway

tonight is one of those evenings where i am feeling like a grumpy child, to tired of waiting and expectations. i feel my internal child gearing up to throw a massive all out fit because she want's so badly to  get in the door of this clubhouse where all the 'cool kids' are finger painting and playing music and whatnot. but the timing is off and just as she has shown up it's time for everyone else to go home. and they keep telling her that yeah i totally want to play with you and mommy is saying just be a nice girl and share the toys and they'll come around. but my inner child is sitting there remembering the last time she was told that and how instead of coming around and playing with her the little boy threw dirt in her face, stuck out his tongue at her and called her stupid. and mommy told her that's just how boys are...really honey he likes you he just doesn't know how to tell you that. but the girl in her guts knows that it is a bullshit line and that the boy didn't want to play with her and now she is really afraid that every boy is going to mean and she doesn't like it....so she wants to scream and yell and make noise and stop playing the game and preemptively say "well you and your club are stupid and who wants to come in anyway...and the point wasn't to get inspiration from you but to play you know...like you throw down the latter and let me in and realize that i know how to do things like make playdough and sprinkle fairydust that really makes you fly and make the scary monsters in the corner be nice or else." but nooo you missed that memo and now i am stuck here wanting to break everything in sight and cry my eyes out.

so yeah over all tonight i feel like a child who just needs to cry until the tears run dry and yell until she has no voice because this waiting, being open, go with the flow, it's all in the timing thing really really sucks! why can't you just open the damned door and let me in!

Monday, June 06, 2011

beating the devil's tattoo....

today while driving all over for school and work i listened to four versions, at least, of BRMC's 'beat the devil's tattoo'. first let me say that i LOVE this song well pretty much anything by this band if i am honest. but there is something about the ending harmonies of this song which connects deeply with me. at one point this afternoon and again later driving home from my final i began thinking about this song and my first tattoo. the song is in part a reference to a piece of edgar allen poe's writing, in which the phrase represents the military tattoo drum beat that called soldiers back to the safety and rest of camp at dark. yet for me when i hear it i also think of escaping the 'mark of the beast' as talked about in revelation as well as the idea of being marked either for God or for evil...which also connect in my theological brain to the exodus(passover) story of the jewish homes in egypt being marked by blood so that their first born would not be killed and therefore escaping this mark of death and evil.

but mostly, beyond what is happening lyrically in the song...i think  of escaping the 'mark of the beast' and the mark of evil. growing up with a father who over emphasized this small aspect of the biblical story i was terrified of all things that were apocalyptic (still am to some extent). i remember standing in the yard at dusk as a small child of maybe six praying, really begging, that the sun would not turn black and the moon red because i didn't want to be around the events of revelation came to pass. as i grew older and fell in love with the idea of tattoos and body art somewhere in my neurotic brain i decided that if i got tattoos that had God present in their meaning and maybe scripture that i would be protected from being tattooed by evil. which was in part what i was thinking when i got my first tattoo, well that and if i had a spiritual and christian tattoo my father couldn't really kill me that much right. which happened to be true, he huffed and puffed and then said well it has a verse in it so i guess i can't kill you.

as i pondered these realities of my life today i realized that in all of my thoughts, as neurotic as they were and are, i was seeking  to find rest and peace and the assurance that i was protected. having experienced more of life now than i did when i was six and having had 'spiritual encounters' both positive and negative for lack of better terms i see how important the desire to avoid being marked is. i think it is something that all of us really do seek in one way or another. darkness that permeates and destroys us, relationships, and  the world is like a black sludge or fog that subtlety fills a space until you in a moment you realizes that the light has gone or has seemingly gone...i believe in my better days that light is always present because in the end it takes such a small amount of it to bring illumination to the darkness. light is like hope or faith a small saffron sized piece can fortify one again a deluge of evil or darkness. and in that small sliver we beat the devil's tattoo..meaning we come back to the safety of camp and we escape evil's grasp.

Saturday, June 04, 2011

sitting by the sidelines cheering

once again it seems that i am a season of my life where all my friends in relationships are getting married. this summer i currently have two wedding that i am heading up to seattle for, a new godchild that i will fly to the south to greet in the fall and another friend who got engaged last night. i look around and see my friends transiting into these new spheres of life. on one hand i can honestly say that i am not ready for those life changes, currently my biggest worries are paying bills and passing my finals and praying that my car doesn't decide to crap out again at least for the next several months. yet there is part of me that wonders where and if i will have that season in my life. as my old professor used to talk about adam naming the animals in genesis and wonder "am i for the hippo? who am i created for?" i have that question sitting in the back of my head.

you see i spent my twenties watching my friend shuffle through good and bad relationships and marriages, while i sat on the sidelines wanting to play but not knowing how.  relationships were that thing that happened to everyone but me. i also spent my time raising other peoples children, some incredible and some that were the best form of birth-control a girl could ask for not that there was a real need for it....plus every one said what a good mom i would be and it just made the lonely dateless girl that i was hate herself more. because i wanted to be with someone who i could see having children with and there was just not anyone there whenever something came on the horizon it went horribly awry...one of my most constant desires since i was under ten was to have a lover and partner.

 by the time i moved down here last year i was completely burnt out from children, and then i worked for one of the hardest jobs i have ever had. that sealed the deal i never wanted to nanny ever again.  i was done with children and seriously hit the point where i couldn't imagine even in the future having them i was so done. and now here i am several months later being given the chance to nanny for just a few weeks for one of the children i worked with last year. for the first time in a long while spending time with this creative and silly little man didn't turn me off to the idea of having children. in fact i realized that i could maybe think about being a mom or even a nanny again and i didn't want to immediately run for the liquor and cigarettes!

so i find once again i am watching others going through their season changes...yet this time i am just allowing my self to be honest with all the crazy emotions that come up with that. and i am truly happy for all of my friends! it's incredible to watch people get what they wanted for so long and such a great gift to celebrate that blessing with them.

Friday, June 03, 2011

across miles....

across the miles i can see your deaden eyes glazed over and lost like something captured a part of your soul. i run through the motion of physically offering you breathe from my distance, knowing it won't tangibly help yet action in bodily form is how i connect so there you go...the light flickers a bit and i see you but in still frame. you're frozen and i can't reach across the icy wasteland, even if you were inches away from me the connection is lost. in my mind's eye i place you hand on my hair and the other on my chest hoping that something will connect, cupping your face in my hands i call out "look at me instead" it feels like i am stuck behind glass with your darling face right there but out of reach...it hurts my heart to see you looking so ravaged by death, comatose like mcmurphy at the novel's end. where have you gone jolly court jester? silly wise friend? what or who has taken that silver of your being and run ramped across your tender soul? i am miles away so i do what i can, breathe in and out and send angels and prayers and begging requests that you are freed and find your balance and rest.